What To Do When You Catch Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend Cheating

Are you in a serious romantic relationship? If you are, is your relationship defined as being boyfriend and girlfriend? If it is, you may still be curious about cheating. Despite the fact that you may not be married, it doesn?t mean that a cheating partner will not hurt.

If you catch your boyfriend or girlfriend cheating, you may be curious as to what you should do. After all, a quick internet search online will mostly produce results for married couples. As a reminder, just because you are not married, it doesn?t have to mean that you have to put up with a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend.

If you learn that you boyfriend or girlfriend has been cheating, the first thing that you will want to do is take a step back. You will want to fully think the situation through. Catching a cheating spouse often results in impulsive actions. It is expected, but it can be harmful. As for what you should do when you do learn about the cheating, please continue reading on.

If you actually catch your boyfriend or girlfriend in the act, like if you see them having sex, leave the room. In fact, you should do so immediately. Verifying an affair is one thing, but staying the room, even just to argue, is not advised. Vacate the premise immediately, unless of course it is your own home. This gives you time to think about what you saw and what your actions should be, without having to see half naked bodies sitting in front of you.

Be sure to think about what you saw or what you learned. If you are seriously considering ending your relationship, do not decide right away. Instead, ask your boyfriend or girlfriend for a little bit of time apart. This is ideal if you do not live together. If you do live together, ask that your cheating partner stays with friends or family members. At the very least, have them sleep in another room.

Another action that you can take is to breakup with your boyfriend or girlfriend. As previously stated, you may not want to do this right away, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. With that in mind, be sure to remember that many men and women who cheat often do so again and again. Do you really want to always be wondering if your boyfriend or girlfriend is where they say they are?

If you are interested in trying to save your relationship, you should recommend counseling to your cheating partner. Although counseling is often associated with marriage, couples counseling is also available and can be helpful as well. Your chances of saving your relationship are better if you are older, as opposed to being a teenager, or you have been in a long-term relationship. For many, long-term relationships are worth saving.

As for what you will never want to do, never resort to violence. When placed in situations, such as a finding a cheating spouse, both men and women have the ability to become violent. This violence may be physical, verbal, or a combination of them both. Whatever you do, do not resort to violence, as it often makes the situation much worse than it needs to be.

As you can see, there are a number of different ways that you can go about dealing with a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend. Whichever approach you do take, just be sure to follow your heart, but use your best judgment at the same time.

Five Signs Of A Cheating Boyfriend

Are you a teenager who is in a serious relationship? If you are, there may come a point in time when you think that your boyfriend is cheating on you. As often as you may hear an adult say ?you are young, you will find love again,? you may still want to have concrete proof that your boyfriend is cheating on you. After all, if love is what you feel, you may be unsure about ending the relationship.

Although getting concrete proof that shows that your boyfriend is cheating on you can be difficult to do, there are still a number of signs that you will want to look for. These signs, five of which are outlined below, can make it easier for you to determine whether or not your teenage boyfriend is cheating on you.

1 He Stops Hanging Out With You

If your boyfriend stops hanging out with you or if he stops inviting you to parties or social outings with friends, there is a good chance that he is cheating on you. As for why you may no longer be invited to social events with him, he is likely worried that his friends will talk. Because, chances are his close friends already know that he is cheating on you. In fact, do his friends treat you any differently?

2 He Has Changed His Appearance

Has your boyfriend starting changing his appearance? Has he started taking better care of himself? At the high school level, a big change in appearance should include hairstyles or clothes. Chances are if your boyfriend has undergone a sudden appearance change, there is someone who he is trying to impress. Unfortunately, you may not be that someone.

3 A Rude Attitude

Since many cheaters feel guilty about their actions, they often try to lessen that guilt. One of the many ways that a boyfriend does this is by being rude to you. He may accuse you of cheating on him or he may regularly find even the smallest reasons for picking an argument. This is because some cheaters justify their behavior by claiming that their girlfriends deserved to be cheated on.

4 You Can?t Get In Touch With Him

Many boyfriends and girlfriends communicate through cell phone calls, text messages, and emails. If this is how you and your boyfriend communicated in the past, have you suddenly noticed a change? If you find it harder to get hold of your boyfriend, he might be cheating on you. After all, why would he always answer your phone calls, text messages, or emails before, but not now?

5 You Are Hearing Rumors

If one thing is for sure it is that high school students like to gossip. As previously stated, your boyfriends? friends likely already know that he is cheating on you. They may talk to their other friends or their own girlfriends. This is likely to start rumors. Although not all rumors you hear at school are true, you may want to listen carefully.

The above mentioned signs are just a few of the many that your boyfriend may be cheating on you. If you do find out that your boyfriend is cheating on you, it may be a wise idea to break off the relationship. If you are having sex with your boyfriend, his cheating ways could put you at risk for developing harmful and painful sexually transmitted diseases.

Tips For Forming Better Relationships

With very less real interaction in the bedroom and with rising interaction in boardrooms, a marriage becomes a bond of convenience.

Every marriage experiences ennui once in a while. The foundation of every relationship, especially marriage is friendship. And the foundation of every friendship is acceptance. When we're in the company of friends, we tend to throw up our feet and let our hair down. While most couples take the liberty of becoming complacent, we must also remember to create an atmosphere where our partners also have the liberty to be on their own.

Listening to spouse's woes can certainly create a strong bond. Even if a spouse is lamenting over one's own parent's behavior, listening and understanding can cement the bond. Being indebted to one's parents doesn't mean we refuse to see them in the light our partners perceive them. Our parents have walked a great length along with us and the rest of the journey has to be completed with our partner.

Pitching in daily affairs like caring for toddlers, like taking turns in changing nappies, looking after schoolwork of grown children, attending to convalescing in-laws, joking with a spouse's siblings or friends are things that can forge a stronger bond.

Joining in dinnertime conversations, discussing office politics, world affairs etc can also create a friendship. After all listening and conversation are the foundations of any good friendship. Here, non-judgmental listening is what is needed.

Like the way we never leave anything under the carpet, nothing in a relationship should be kept secret. Past issues, like hurts, insecurities, lies, etc should be brought out into the open and discussed. Couples must vow never to carry the previous day's hurts into a new day. Every day is a new day and yesterday's hurts should never mar today.

While it's easy to criticize a spouse, the best solution is to find a solution for a problem. While complaining, give a solution, an option too. Let it sound like a brainstorming session at work. And once in a while, it's wise to let the spouse let off steam. However, ensure that each partner gets to let off steam.

Communication is the keyword. Marriage requires an investment too. Exactly the way any friendship needs. Communicating appreciation, anger, joy etc can fortify a marriage. Dating each other without the children can be fun and revive your romance.

Like a plant that requires water, sunlight, soil, pruning and weeding, your marriage needs all these too. Marriage is the soil and love is the manure on which the plant flourishes. Sex is the regular watering that is essential for the plant to grow. The warmth of your appreciation cannot be underestimated. When you weed out, remember to weed out the third party from your marriage that includes your own parents and unwanted rivals. And when you prune, see that you don't uproot, and remember pruning always heralds new and luxuriant growth.

Staring at breasts is a workout

Ten minutes of staring at female breast equals thirthy minutes of doing pushups and lifting weights.

If you hate exercise, but still want to look good, stare at women's breasts for at least ten minutes every day. The study of German scientists shows that ten minutes of staring at female breast does the same thing for men as half an hour of pushups or weight lifting, international media reports.

The study lasted for five years and it was attended by more than 200 men. It was led by Dr. Karen Weatherby, who observed how viewing women's breasts causes faster heart rate in men, leading to increased circulation, improved blood pressure and reduced heart problems. It basically equals a 30-minute workout at the gym.

- Our research indicates that daily ‘staring’ can reduce the risk of heart attacks and strokes by half. We believe that consistent work can extend the life of men from four to five years - said Weatherby.

40 Ways To Keep Your Husband's Love, —Guaranteed—

1- Make sure you make a new meal every day. No leftovers.

2- Always wear something that "makes him happy" when he gets home.

3- Your husband is your life, make sure you treat him like a god.

4- Don't be a bossy, nagging little witch. It helps no one. Esp you.

5- Be very generous to him. Always make sure he gets the last pizza slice and stuff.

6- Remember his lap is your seat. A quick jump here and there to shower him with kisses works best.

7- Avoid anger.

8- Look good for him and smell great. Clothing is optional!

9- Don’t be rigid, understand he works with idiots all day long and doesn't want to be nagged as soon as he enters the door. Be flexible at all times.

10- Be a good woman, understand he is a bad listener and doesn't care.

11- Accept that is will is law and never argue.

12- Never ever call your husband any gay ass names. He is a man, treat him as such.

13- Surprise him repeatedly, focus on the bed room and the lack of clothing.

14- Use more tongue

15- Accept him shortcomings/ everyone has a few hundred

16- Show that you appreciate him by making sure he is satisfied in all aspects. No need to list them they are common sense.

17- Don't be a ***** to his mom.

18- Don't be a motormouth. Give him some peace and quiet at home as soon as he comes home.

19- Don't ***** about him to your girlfriends

20- Again make sure the bed

21- Get rid of the same old routine once in a while, scrub the rust. Make the bedroom far more exciting

22- Make sure you think good things of him and then do good things. Actions are better than thoughts esp if they don't involve clothing,

23- Ignore all of the words/actions you don’t like

24- Be more than patient. Be a little pixie.

25- Act jealous. Don't act crazy.

26- Be humble and a freak.

27- Don’t put a price on his happiness.

28- Don't boss him around the house.

29- You better love his mother!

30- Show him how ideal a wife you are in the bed room, kitchen and infront of others (The last two are not sexually oriented you sick sick people).

31- You better pray for him and his family or you will go to hell for being a bad wife.

32- Don't bring his past, even if an ex-girlfriends shows up. That **** is buried. Let it stay there.

33- Don’t demand favours for nothing in return.

34- Learn to compromise. Specifically when you are right.

35- Make food he likes and don't complain about him not dieting and what not. You live only once.

36- He is your husband. Treat him like Romeo, Brad Pitt and Winston Churchill all rolled in to one.

37- Lady on the street - freak in the bed. Words to live by.

38- Don’t hold grudges. No silent treatment. No whining or moaning.

39- Avoid being harsh hearted and moody.

40- Respect him and his mom. They are all there is in your world.

Man Swims 3274 Mile Amazon River in 66 Days

Dodging vicious creatures, unfriendly weather, a 55-year old adventurer swam non-stop to cross the frighteningly dangerous Amazon river for 66 days, while covering 3,274 miles.

With a bulging belly and thinning hair, Martin Strel is not your average adventurer with Greek-god like features but he surely has the guts to defy age and achieve what everyone thought of as "too dangerous," he swam Amazon river.

"It helps to be a little crazy, to do what I do...I told myself that I would swim the Amazon or I would die trying.... I''m a big man, sure, but the Amazon is so much bigger." Strel, who is also a part-time guitar teacher practiced everyday for five hours, before finally setting out on the amazon adventure.

Swimming 10 hours each day, he covered almost 90 km daily. But his adventure soon became a fight against the nature. He suffered from dehydration and exhaustion. Water-borne parasites left his body infected and worst of all he contracted dengue fever, and its subsequent cramps. He even wore pillow covers with slits for eyes and lips to protect his face against the heat.

But dangers inside water outnumber those above it. The Amazon is home to the very perilous bull shark, the piranha with razor sharp teeth, stingrays, crocodiles, alligators, anacondas and the deadly candiru fish.

To avoid piranha fish smelling him, he would rub gasoline and cream on his body, while his team that included his son, Borut as well would throw buckets of pig blood into the water to divert their attention.

Strel used to pee inside his wetsuit just to elude the dreaded candiru, which enters the body through the penis and feeds off body tissue and blood.

His son, Borut, and armed guards followed him in a boat to fend off pirates and carried his stockpile of medicine, food and alcohol.

Strel says: "Drinking wine is part of my life...It''s my special blend, that I make myself, so it''s very healthy and it gives me energy, without making me drunk. I would drink whiskey as well, to wash my mouth out before I eat food.

The adventure freak weighed 114kg (250lb) at the start of the swim and lost nearly 20kg (44lb) during the exploit, despite taking 11,000 calories-a-day for strength.

While on his exploit that has made him real famous back at home, he says "I am just a regular man who just has higher goals than usual, not a superman."

10 Things Men Can Learn From Women

Lesson No. 1: Emotional quotient
They might call us overtly emotional, but that’s one thing that adds meaning to life. Ace director Kalpana Lajmi says, “Men lack that maternal perspective. They can’t see things the way a woman does, enriching every relationship with depth, a healing touch and compassion. If men learn that, then the relationship between men and women would be quite easy.”

Suchitra Pillai, actor, says, "One thing that men should learn from women is to be more in touch with their emotions. This would include being aware of mood swings the partner faces. It would make questions like ‘Are you upset?’ redundant. Women can teach men by not hiding their own emotions."

Rakhi Sawant, item girl, says, "Women have a lot of emotional strength. They can do a lot that men can’t even dream of. It’s wrongly believed that men are stronger than women. Whenever there is a crisis, it's men get depressed, lose their confidence and approach their lady for comfort.

Lesson No. 2: Think about the other’s pleasure as well
Now, this one goes for men who are obsessed with their own single-minded pursuit of happiness.
Alka Pandey, author, Kamasutra for Women says, “Treating the other as equal becomes all the more important when it comes to your chemistry in bed. Men must understand that a woman’s pleasure is as important as a man’s.”

Lesson No. 3: Endurance
Well, you’ll never tag us as constant cribbers once you learn this art, which we are quite good at.
Singer Shibani Kashyap says, “They might be physically stronger than us, but when it comes to emotional endurance, men still have a long way to go.”

Mehar Bhasin, says, “Men certainly need to learn the ability to be patient in any situation – be it workplace pressure, ego clashes, selfishness, pride, etc. Women take longer to react because they know that men are impulsive. She knows how to be patient in all walks of life. Be it a mother waiting for her child’s results, a wife waiting for her husband to apologise for harsh words, or a girlfriend waiting for a commitment – men need that inner patience to deal with trying situations.”

Lesson No. 4: Respect woman
Guys, you better remember to dish it out otherwise you know where your relationship is heading!
Actress Mahima Choudhary says, “They expect us to respect their clan, while they can’t even respect us. So, this is one lesson men should learn from women, particularly Indian men!”

Lesson No: 5: To multitask & balance
Now, this one’s a hit! Most women would love their men getting into the multitasking groove just like themselves.
Actress Shefali Shah says, “Men can focus on just one subject at a time and that’s so irritating at times. And to add to the irritation they either focus on cricket, work or buddies. So, I think they should learn the art of balancing it well.”

Gurdip Kohli, TV actor, says, "A sense of balance is the biggest quality that a man can pick up from a woman. A man must discover the experience of trying to juggle personal and professional lives. Since I'm married now, I can see how important it is to achieve a balance between your work and home. Unfortunately, men don’t really understand this, so they need to be more efficient at balancing priorities."

Lesson No: 6: Forgive
This otherwise not so emotional breed will suddenly become the worst emotional blackmailers the moment they catch you on the wrong foot. They would either not forgive you and if at all they do, they’ll make you feel guilty forever!
TV actress Tina Parekh says, “The day men learn to forgive and move on, there won’t be any fights between husbands and wives.”

Lesson No. 7: There’s more to sex than just being physical
Well, all the women who have been there and done that would agree that men get into the act for the act’s sake, while a woman gets into the act for sheer togetherness.
Sandhya Mulchandani, author, Indian Erotica says, “Women give their whole self to the experience, while men just consider it a physical thing. So, if men learn to get more generous when it comes to foreplay and let emotions seep in while having sex rather than getting anxious about performance, bedroom relations will be much better.”

Lesson No. 8: Sense of commitment
It won’t be wrong to say that men are almost allergic to commitment. Be it sticking to a job, a partner or for that matter anything, they need a great deal of perseverance to make up their mind.
Playback singer Alka Yagnik says, “Apparently, a man needs to learn everything from a woman – with commitment topping the list. Women exhibit a higher level of efficiency in everything they attach themselves to. So, I feel a man can learn this ‘sense of commitment’ in whatever they do from a woman.”

Lesson No: 9: Devotion
Truly, hopelessly devoted — now, that’s a tough one for men!
Director Tanuja Chandra says, “Women have this innate ability to be generous when it comes to devoting themselves to their near ones. They are impeccable when it comes to investing emotionally to the other’s concerns. Unfortunately, men lack that.”

Lesson No: 10: Kill that ego
They’ll definitely find this one hard to digest. After all, they think they’re always right!
Actress Juhi Babbar says, “It’s high time they realised that they are dependent upon their wives and mothers. So, better kill that ego and love each other for whatever roles God has made us.” 

Want to Boost your Sexual Performance?

Gardening can dramatically improve men's performance in the bedroom according to a new study.

Researchers at the Medical University of Vienna found in their study that regular bouts of gentle weeding, digging and mowing can revitalise a man's flagging sex drive. Just 30 minutes of gardening a week is enough to reduce the risk of impotence
by around 38 per cent, they found.

The same study showed other forms of moderate exercise, such as dancing and cycling, could have similar benefits. The researchers found that men who spend even more time in the vegetable patch can more than halve their risk of impotence.

"Erectile function can be maintained even by low, regular physical activity. Energy expenditure of as little as 1,000 calories a week reduces the risk. Doctors should use these findings to encourage their patients to do more physical training and adopt a healthier lifestyle," the Telegraph quoted the authors, as saying.

In the study, the researchers found that gardening for 30 to 45 minutes, dancing for half an hour, cycling four miles in 15 minutes or jogging 1.5 miles reduced impotence by around 38 per cent.

Men who burned off up to 4,000 kilocalories a week saw their impotence risk drop almost 52 per cent.


Source: timesofindia.indiatimes.com

Divorce: 5 Things You Didn't Know

Divorce is popular -- too popular. It's like your favorite local band ruined by fame: once the masses first got their hands on the no-fault divorce in 1970s America, they abused it. Now, thanks to them, it's primed for a major backlash.

This backlash doesn't mean the public has developed a distaste for the divorce-related details of others -- not on your life. The divorcing parties themselves don't even need to be all that intriguing. Consider the insatiable interest in the unfolding split between Jon and Kate Gosselin, two of the most uninteresting and unsympathetic people imaginable. Pathos are better spent on their eight kids, whose world -- which used to revolve around themselves, appropriately -- will soon revolve around other, less attentive worlds created by an ugly divorce, like revolving custody, revolving stability and daddy's revolving girlfriends.

As yet another marriage is torn asunder, we offer up 5 things you didn't know about divorce.

1- Born-again Christians have the highest divorce rate

The first thing you didn't know about divorce is that some predictors of divorce need to be shouted from the mountain top.

A study by Barna Research Group found that the 33% divorce rate among born-again Christians, or evangelicals, was the highest among Christian denominations. Not surprisingly, these results met with a flood of criticism, much of which raised one of the most disputed questions in this field: What is the biggest predictor of divorce among the broader population, the most common of all the common denominators?

The answer generally depends on who you ask, but two predictors frequently mentioned are first, age at marriage and second, income -- notably, couples under age 20 with an income under $25,000 have a very high risk of divorcing. Throw in a pregnancy, and they're pretty much doomed.

2- The average divorce costs over $50,000

The popular legal DIY site legalzoom.com tells potential customers that divorce "doesn't have to be complicated or costly" and that their services can wrap up an uncontested divorce "in three simple steps," all for $299.

What that fee does not cover (and doesn't purport to cover) are all the hidden costs. Using a variety of statistics from the 2006 US Census Bureau, divorce360.com came to an average figure for those hidden costs: about $53,000. While admitting that every divorce is different, the site nonetheless reached that figure by adding up costs such as couples/marriage therapy before the divorce, individual therapy for themselves and their children after divorce, moving costs, fees for attorneys and financial advisors, the costs of selling the marital home, of acquiring a new mortgage on a smaller home for one spouse, and apartment rental costs for the other spouse.

Point being, there's far more to divorce than three simple steps.

3- Liberal divorce laws often follow political revolutions

Another thing you didn't know about divorce is that it had a role in killing or overthrowing the likes of Louis XVI, George III and Tsar Nicholas II.

Divorce has a chummy relationship with radical politics and the revolutions they bring about, according to Canadian historian Roderick Phillips. In Putting Asunder, his account of divorce in the West, he notes three examples: the slew of pro-divorce legislation that followed the American Revolution; the enactment in France in 1792 of history's first no-fault divorce laws following the French Revolution; and Vladimir Lenin's relaxed divorce laws in the wake of the Russian Revolution.

4- Divorces have been in decline everywhere but Utah

The 50% divorce rate among American couples is an oft-cited myth, but in fact, US divorces have been in a slow, steady decline since 1979. In the last few years, however, the people of Utah have seemed determined to buck that trend, as they are the only state in which the number of divorce filings have not fallen.

To their credit, Utah's legislators have decided to do something about it. In 2007, they passed HB 128, the nation's first divorce orientation legislation. Among other things, the bill established a mandatory divorce orientation course for couples filing for divorce. The bill doesn’t really make it all that much harder to get a divorce in Utah; rather, it creates an optional intermediate step prior to filing, one that, it can be assumed, is meant to get couples to reconsider.

5- Divorce is a product of the Protestant Reformation

The last thing you didn't know about divorce is who to blame for making it all possible in the first place.

Prior to Martin Luther's Protestant Reformation, Western society's attitudes about marriage were guided strictly by Catholic marriage doctrine and its only out -- an annulment. Reformers rejected that doctrine, first by citing shaky New Testament scripture and then by claiming that annulments were so widespread and so easy to get that they were pretty much the same thing as divorces. The arguments were so weak that not even King Henry VIII -- arguably history's first serial divorcer -- stopped persecuting Reformers, even after splitting his country with the Roman Catholic Church.

Still, the end consequence is that, although marriage has retained ties to its sacred past (i.e. weddings in churches, officiated by the clergy), divorce has developed into a purely secular affair.

Resources:

http://pewforum.org/
http://le.utah.gov/
www.nytimes.com/
www.divorce360.com/
www.legalzoom.com/
www.highbeam.com/

How To Save Your Marriage

There was a time when you would have given your life for your spouse. But no more. Now you are wondering whether it is even possible to save your marriage. This report looks at why marriages fail and what you can do to save yours if that is your desired course of action.

The theme of this report is that you can sometimes do everything “right” according to the experts but still end up failing. Or, you can do things unconventionally and actually save your marriage.

You should know that if you handle the marriage crisis badly, you significantly increase your chances of ending up divorced.

Divorce Statistics

That’s why there will be 1 million divorces in the United States this year. Some people like to point out that the divorce rate is actually declining, however slightly. But this is actually a misnomer. The divorce rate per 10,000 people has gone from 42 per 10,000 people to 36 per 10,000 people in this decade. However - and this is important - the number of married people in this time period have declined significantly. Today, 8.1 percent of households consist of unmarried heterosexual couples.

Sweden has the highest percentage of new marriages that end in divorce at almost 55 percent. In the U.S., the chance of a marriage ending in divorce is 45.8 percent. For comparison, in India, that figure stands at just 1.1 percent.

Second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. The theory is that people who haven’t succeeded once are more likely to make mistakes again. In any case, the divorce rate in America for first marriages is 41 percent. That jumps to 60 percent for second marriages and 73 percent for third marriages.

The age at which people get married also impacts the likelihood of success. One third of women who get married before they are 24 will end up divorced. However, only 5 percent of women who get married for the first time after age 35 will get divorced. However, the number of women who get married for the first time after 35 is quite small.

Why Marriages Fail

Top 10 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

#10 - Not Doing the Little Things - Movies shows marriages as grand loves. But, in the real world, marriages are made up of the little things - taking out the trash, picking up the kids from school. If there are frustrations over the little things, it can erode the whole marriage.

# 9 - Sweating the small stuff - As a counterpoint, if you stress out over unimportant things, you are dooming your marriage to the dumpster.

#8 - Spending too much time apart - If friends, work, or hobbies take too much time away from your marriage, the bonds can begin to erode.

#7 - Criticizing and nagging - These two things can eat away at the soul of a marriage.

#6 - Not consulting the other person about purchases - The family budget must cover the family needs. If one person makes purchases that significantly impact the overall budget without consulting the other person, there is going to be hurt and anger.

#5 - Letting yourself go - You spent a considerable amount of effort pursuing and attracting your spouse. That effort shouldn’t have ended on your wedding day or soon thereafter. If you are no longer working to make yourself attractive to your spouse, you must assume that he or she will look elsewhere.

#4 - Playing the victim - Is it always his fault? Did she make you do it? If you feel like you are the victim in the relationship, it probably won’t last much longer.

#3 - Not fighting fair - You are entitled to your legitimate feelings, but when disagreements occur, you must keep your arguments real and relevant. Avoid character assassination. Remain task oriented rather than accusatory. And, allow your partner to retreat with dignity.

#2 - Spilling secrets - There are things in your marriage that should only be between the two of you. When you tell your friends or family members about things that shouldn’t be shared, you erode the bonds of the marriage. This is a matter of trust.

#1 - No sex - When the sex has gone out of the marriage, the relationship is in trouble. Unless you can rekindle the flame, you are probably headed to divorce court.

You can be both “right” and “miserable”

Too often we think that it’s important to be right. But, it is possible to be both right and miserable.

Susan’s husband Jim had an affair with a colleague after she miscarried. Now, admittedly, this was a crummy thing to do.

Susan was devastated by the loss of the baby and had real concerns that she would never be able to have a child. As a result of her physical and emotional condition, she withdrew sexually.

Jim, too, was affected by the miscarriage. He felt that he had to comfort Susan and couldn’t turn to her for support. Instead, he found a sexually attractive woman at work who did not need him emotionally for anything.

Susan is obviously “right” to be outraged that Jim would cheat on her at this low part of her life. But, being the martyr doesn’t help her be happy.

Jim has apologized and said that he would do anything to make the situation right.

Now Susan has to decide whether to forgive him and heal their marriage. As long as she clings to the idea that she is the “wronged” party, she will be miserable. If she can give up that idea, she has a chance at making her marriage work. The ball is actually in her court.

Susan will never forget the miscarriage or the affair that happened after it. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness means letting go of the intense emotions associated with the event.

This is very important, read this several times: forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision.

Whatever the rift that has come between you and your spouse, if you want to make the marriage work, you have to let go of all of the hurt. Make peace. Make up. Make love.

The Walk Away Wife Syndrome

Any divorce lawyer will tell you that he gets a certain amount of male clients who come in stunned that they have been served with divorce papers. “Everything was just perfect,” they will say, “and then she decided to divorce me.” These men are genuinely stunned at what has happened to them. In fact, they believe that their marriage has only gotten better in recent times.

The reason that divorce lawyers see this all of the time is because there is a pattern to the behavior. Some therapists have called it the “Walk Away Wife Syndrome.”

In the early stages of most relationships, the wife is the emotional caretaker. It falls to her to initiate conversations about “where this relationship is going” and “how can we improve intimacy.” The man is bored with these subjects and relegates them to the female arena.

So, the woman will initiate conversations (sometimes this will look and feel if the husband is not responsive). The wife complains about the husband’s lack of responsiveness, at which point he retreats. This makes the woman bring up the conversation anew.

As you can imagine, there are a lot of fights during this period.

At some point, the woman gives up. She stops her role as emotional caretaker. She starts looking for a way out of the marriage. If she has children, she will be especially cautious about finding a way to financially support them.

The ironic thing is that during this period, the fights will subside. The wife has given up, so there is no reason to engage the husband any longer. The husband sees this lull in fighting as meaning that things are improving.

Once the wife has figured out how to proceed with her life emotionally and financially, she serves her husband with divorce papers. This is when the guy walks into a divorce lawyer’s office and says “everything was going just perfectly…”

The point here is that when you stop fighting, things haven’t necessarily improved. In fact, this could be the most dangerous point of a relationship. Men who are too clueless to know that their wife has withdrawn from the relationship are often surprised when it ends.

How to Deal With the Walk Away Wife Syndrome If You Are A Man

If you are a man who has been surprised by a divorce when you thought everything was going fine, you have to find a way to reengage your wife.

First of all, you have to acknowledge that her needs were not being met, even if yours were.

Secondly, you need to realize that she has the right to walk away. Almost every state in the U.S. has some form of “no fault” divorce, though it can be called by other names. That means that you can’t control her behavior. You can only change your own.

Once you have addressed the fact that she had needs you weren’t meeting and that she has the personal power to walk away, you can formulate a plan of action.

Think back to the fights you used to have. What was she complaining about? Are there things you can do to meet the needs that she was constantly bringing up?

At this point, it is possible to bring her back to the marriage, but she has to see real engagement by you. And, you can’t delay. Sure, you are surprised and hurt, but if you see this as a wake up call rather than an attack, you may be able to save your marriage.

Later in this report, I will suggest that marriage counseling is not always the answer. But, I do recommend that if you have a Walk Away Wife on your hands, you might want to suggest counseling. This is not to say that the counseling itself will be particularly helpful, but your openness to change will be well received.

At that point, you need to start listening to what her needs are and meeting them. That means paying attention to her. It also means pursuing her with romantic abandon again. You may have to make modifications to your career and other aspects of your life to win her back. And, once you have won her back, you need to know that if you don’t continue to meet her needs, she can walk away again.

If you are a man in this situation, consider it a wake up call.

If You are a Walk Away Wife

If you have decided to divorce your husband, you have probably put a lot of thought into the decision. You have invested emotional energy in the separation. You probably decided that there was no hope a long time ago and have started building a separate life.

If your husband starts to treat the divorce as a wake up call to save the marriage, you have another decision to make. Namely, are you willing to try again?

Think about why you married your husband in the first place. Is there any residue of that left? Are there things you will miss about the relationship if you leave? If he changes some aspects of his behavior, would it make you want to stay?

Or, have you changed so much from the bride you were on your wedding day that moving forward without him seems to be the only course of action?

If he does take the divorce papers as a wake up call, what are the things he needs to say and do to make things right? Is he capable of long term change?

He may suggest marriage counseling. This is indicative that he is willing to put effort into the marriage which is a very good thing. But you should be aware that marriage counseling probably won’t always save the marriage. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go along with it. It just means that you have to have a second course of action.

You need to state what you need in order to stay in the marriage and have a specific action-oriented agenda. It is probably more effective to say “you need to be home every night by 6:30 and take me out on a date once a week” than to say, “let’s spend an hour in counseling every week.”

Let him know that if you get back into the marriage, he’s on probation. You reserve the right to walk again if he goes back to his old ways.

Will he be able to keep up the good behavior? Only time will tell. But if he does see the divorce papers as a wake up call, you have a good reason to give the marriage one more shot.

Marriage Counseling - The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

When a marriage is in trouble, friends will almost immediately suggest that you get marriage counseling. I’ve hinted earlier that this might not always be such a good idea.

The history of marriage counseling is quite informative about why it is as ineffective as it is. In fact, only 20 percent of people who enter marriage counseling say it had a positive effect on their marriage.

Most counselors are trained therapists with a master’s or doctorate in psychology. But it wasn’t always like this.

In fact, up until the 1960s, psychologists considered it unethical to treat a married couple together. They thought that the fiduciary relationship between a therapist and a patient could only extend to one person.

Since therapists did not do marriage counseling, who did? Marriage counseling was largely the role of professional clergy with educators and gynecologists picking up some of the slack.

Until the late 1960s, the model for marriage counseling, whether in a pastoral sense or in therapy, was saving the marriage at almost any cost. To this end, many issues were either not addressed or pushed under the carpet. Women were largely held to be responsible for the problems in the relationship. Domestic violence was tolerated.

But, in the 1960s, two trends converged that have continued to affect the marriage therapy model today. The first was that therapists began to change their ethical code to allow couple’s therapy. The second was that therapy itself shifted to an individualist mode.

In the 1960s, a new breed of therapist developed. Until that time, psychologists and psychiatrists largely practiced the Freudian based analytical model of long term talk based therapy. This meant that only the very wealthy could afford therapy.

But when Cognitive Behavioral therapy started, patients could be treated in a much shorter period of time.

And, instead of requiring the years put into a doctorate degree, therapists could instead receive a Master’s if all they wanted to practice was marriage and family therapy.

In fact, this new breed of therapists were called “Marriage, Family, and Child Therapists” or “Marriage and Family Counselors” depending on the state. Initially, they were supposed to treat couples and families.

However, over time, the model shifted. A “Marriage and Family Counselor’s” practice consists of 95% individual and group mental illness therapy. They are trained to be individual therapists and get very little instruction in couple’s counseling despite their formal title.

Couple this with the trend toward the individual, mental health approach to therapy. Often, the marriage counselor’s first recommendation is that the parties get individual counseling and come back for marriage counseling only when their dysfunctions have been addressed by other therapists.

Additionally, these therapists, as a whole, do not believe that most marriages are automatically worth saving. They are more geared to maximizing the happiness of one patient rather than saving the family unit.

So, if you are committed to saving your marriage if at all possible, who do you go to for marriage counseling?

If you have friends who have had trouble in their marriage and have found a therapist who was truly helpful, ask for a referral.

If you don’t know anyone who has successfully tried marriage counseling and you want to give it a shot, don’t be afraid to interview several therapists to find a good fit. Ask them how frequently they do marriage (as opposed to individual or group) counseling, what their stand toward marriage is, and what their specific approach to saving marriage is.

You may be able to find a therapist who specializes in saving marriage rather than mental health therapy. Some of the professionals who specialize in this area do retreats, seminars, and “boot camps” that provide insight into your marriage as well.

Pastoral counseling is also worth considering if you are religious. Many clergy are committed to the idea of the sanctity of marriage and work from the premise that unless there are terrible things happening in the relationship (such as domestic violence, alcoholism, or serial adultery), the marriage can be saved.

How to Survive an Affair

Earlier in this report, I introduced you to Jim and Susan. Jim had an affair after Susan had a miscarriage. Is there any hope for a relationship when one party has had an affair?

Actually, there is, particularly if there was only one other man or woman and the offending party is committed to change. Relationships that feature serial adultery have a harder time surviving.

The initial reaction to a spouse having an affair is shock and blame. It is such a violation of the marital vows that one cannot help but being hurt and angry.

But, it is important to move beyond the initial reaction. This is true whether you are going to end the marriage or whether you are going to work on improving it.

You should know that things can improve. In fact, the affair may have been the symptom of much more fundamental problems in the relationship. This is not to say that the affair was a good thing by any means, but you can turn the hurt and pain into making a stronger marriage. A mended bone is stronger at the broken place.

If you are the person who was cheated on, you are going to want details. Part of this is a morbid curiosity. Another part is because you need to know “why.”

Sometimes the “why” isn’t always clear? If your spouse is something of an emotional cripple, he or she may not be able to articulate why they went astray.

Instead, you need to focus on what is lacking in your marriage and how you want to move forward.

You need to take responsibility for the negative things you have contributed to the relationship. This does not, however, mean that the affair was your fault. Nobody can force someone else into an affair. The person who cheated must take full responsibility for the violation of the relationship. They could have said no. They could have presented you with the need for you to change. Instead, they snuck out behind your back.

If the relationship is to be rebuilt, the offending spouse must have true regret and remorse. He or she has to completely cut the person with whom they had the affair out of their life. If this means making painful choices such as changing jobs or moving, this must be a prerequisite for going forward.

But, once the straying spouse has come to terms with the consequences of the affair, both spouses have to rebuild the marriage. One of the fundamental things that must be done is to rebuild the friendship that you share.

The key to healing is forgiveness. You have to stop blaming your spouse for having the affair and move on. You have to see tomorrow as a clean slate.

How to Know When To Leave a Marriage

Not all marriages can be saved. Specifically, if any of the three “A”s have occurred, you would probably be wise to leave the relationship. These are:

Abuse - Any physical violence and severe emotional abuse are grounds for divorce at all times.
Alcoholism - If your spouse is a chronic alcoholic, you are not going to be able to get the love and support you need. If he or she won’t get treatment, you have no obligation to stay.
Adultery (chronic) - You can recover from one affair. But, if your spouse is a player, you have every right to leave.
But, there are times when the problems in the marriage are not clear cut. You may believe that you would be better off single or with someone else but aren’t sure that you are right to end the marriage.

Consider whether you have a true partnership in your marriage. For instance, have you been required to put aside the goals you have set for yourself? Are you isolated from your friends and family? Are you limited in what you can do for entertainment because of the demands of your spouse?

Have you had to change your belief system? Do you have to constantly nag to get what you want and need? Do you make excuses for your spouse’s behavior? Do you feel that you have to walk on eggshells?

If you worry constantly over the problems in your relationship, you may be considering divorce.

These are real issues. And many partners are unwilling to address them.

If you are considering divorce but would rather have a change in behavior from your spouse, you can:

Do an intervention - Tell your spouse that you are going to leave unless. Be prepared to really leave if he or she won’t change.
Seek outside help - While I am leery of most individual-oriented therapists, I do know that outside help can save marriages. Suggest attending a marriage retreat or some other function where you can discuss your problems. They may have a different suggestion from the one you proposed, but if they are unwilling to work on the marriage at all, you must be prepared to leave.
Leave - This is what happens in walk away marriages, but you can also leave if you are not 100 percent committed to divorce. Physically separating yourself from your spouse puts them on notice that things have to change or the relationship is history.

Stay - If you are not prepared to walk away from the marriage, you have no power. As long as your partner doesn’t have to change and things will stay as they are, inertia will take over. You can’t force your partner to do anything including to meet your needs. You have power over only your own behavior. If you are not willing to change your situation, you should be prepared to accept it.

Conclusion

There is hope for a dying marriage. But, the solution is not the commonly given one (six sessions of couple’s counseling with a Marriage and Family Therapist). Instead, one person has to show the other one that change is necessary for the survival of the relationship.

At that point, both parties have to be willing to address the underlying issue that they are both responsible for problems in the relationship. Both parties have to be willing to change. Marital strife and dissatisfaction is NEVER the result of one spouse’s behavior alone.

If you are going to work things out, you need to realize that connection, not communication, is at the heart of saving the marriage. You can improve your communication skills and just end up a better fighter!

Instead, you need to rekindle what is good about your relationship. Most people end up at the altar because they wanted to build a life with the other person. You need to get back to the person you were on your wedding day.

That means that you must spend time together. You should plan on having some time every day that is just for the two of you. This could be having a 20 minute breakfast before the kids get up, taking a walk after dinner every day, or just putting aside the last 20 minutes before you go to sleep to reconnect.

Then, you have to put the romance into your life on a frequent basis. Schedule a “date night” every week. Try to woo your spouse all over again. Think dinner and dancing not dinner and a movie - the former will give you a chance to get in touch with your feelings while the latter has you sitting in silence.

When you “go out” on your “date,” get ready for it like you lived in separate houses. You can even go as far as getting dressed in separate rooms. And, you should make an effort when you dress, just like you did when you were dating.

Do the little “dating” things as well. Men should consider bringing their wives flowers from time to time, holding her car door, and act with general courtesy.

These date nights don’t have to be expensive, but they do have to allow the two of you to reconnect.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the subject of sex. There is a reason why sex is tied in so closely with marriage in every society. You need to be having regular, frequent, satisfactory sex. If this element is missing from your relationship, make every effort to remedy the problem forthwith.

At its root, no marriage is perfect because no person is perfect. But marriage can be a good and satisfying institution for both spouses and for the children of the relationship. This requires work and love.

How Do You Mend A Broken Heart

Table of Contents

1-Stages to mending a broken heart
2-What is Grief?
3-Three Pronged Emotions
4-How to Survive One Day at a Time
5-It is Okay to Mourn
6-Congratulate Yourself on Being Human
7-Surviving the Immediate Future
8-Can You Get Your Ex Back?
9-Can You Still Be Friends?
10-Conclusion

“And how can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

How can you stop the sun from shining?

What makes the world go round?

How can you mend a broken man?

How can a loser ever win?

Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.”

How do You Mend a Broken Heart

Stages to mending a broken heart
You didn’t fall in love overnight, and you definitely won’t fall out of love overnight. That is why we call the process of falling out of love “mending a broken heart.”

There are though several stages to mending a broken heart.

Stage 1: The Hurting Stage

First, there is the hurting stage. During this stage, the pain can feel so bad that you may want to die rather than experience it. People often try to drown their symptoms by drinking, taking drugs, or cutting themselves.

There are other, less severe symptoms as well. For instance, crying often accompanies the painful period after a break up.

Some people use this time to “stalk” their ex. Whether it is making midnight phone calls, millions of texts, or going over to their home to monitor their behavior, stalking is a way of keeping tabs on an ex.

Others lean on friends during this period. Good friends can give you the emotional support you need to move on.

During this initial period of hurting, it is important to develop strong coping skills. For instance, it is good to rekindle friendships that you didn’t have time for when the relationship was going strong.

Talking to other people about how they dealt with a break up is another excellent way to cope. Not only will you get survival strategies, it will confirm your belief that other people have gone through the same thing - and lived to tell the tale.

It is important at this stage of the game to think happy thoughts. Just remembering that there are pleasant things in the world will help you live through this tough stage in your life.

Finally, you should begin to focus on you. Breaking up means taking the “I” out of the “We.” So, now is a good time to begin looking at how you can meet your needs - especially the needs that were not met in the relationship itself.

Stage 2: Getting Even

The next stage of the break up is “getting even.” During this time, you want to repay your ex with all of the misery they doled out on you. Getting even is not a healthy phase of getting over a relationship, and you should do everything you can to minimize the time you spend in this place.

During this time, you may try to make your ex’s life a living hell. This can involve things like crank calling them dozens of times, sending them a computer virus, and threatening them. All of these are bad ideas. Not only can they get you in trouble within your own social group and potentially in trouble with the law, they also delay your own recovery.

Another way people try to get even after a break up is to enter into a rebound relationship. Some people try to replace their ex right away as a way of getting over the ex. These relationships almost always fail and a person is hurt a second time.

A more productive thing to do with your time is to finalize the end of the relationship. For instance, exchange all of the “things” that you have of the other’s. If there are “things” that you don’t necessarily need to exchange (i.e. his toothbrush), then throw them away. Get rid of any of the things that remind you of them.

And, as you reach the end of the “getting even” phase, you can begin to see the whole event as a learning experience. Maybe you have learned that there is a specific type of person that you want to avoid in the future. Maybe you have learned some things about yourself that will make you a better partner in the future.

Stage 3: Don’t Give a Damn

Eventually, you will reach the final stage which is not giving a damn. You will start to wonder what you saw in your ex in the first place. Perhaps you will always have a special place in your heart for your ex, but seeing them with someone else won’t be the end of the world. At this stage, it is possible to move back into a friendship relationship with your ex.

You will also be ready to move into a new relationship yourself. If you still have strong feelings (even negative ones) towards your ex, it’s a rebound relationship. But, if you don’t give a damn about them, you can develop strong positive feelings toward a new partner.

What is Grief?

The reason you feel so terrible after a break up is that you are going through a normal human emotional reaction known as grief. What is grief? Grief is the specific process of letting go of an attachment to a person.

When we think of grief, we usually associate it with the death of a loved one. But, sometimes, the grief is actually stronger with a break up. One woman’s first husband died suddenly. Some time later, she remarried and that relationship ended in divorce.

The woman related that the divorce was more emotionally devastating than the death of her husband. That’s because there was a normal mechanism for dealing with grief when someone dies, but when you break up with a person you loved, people tend to tell you to “get over it.” There’s no support for breaking up grief.

Whether the grief is over someone who died or over someone you lost through a break up, it goes through four stages.

4 Stages of Grief

Stage 1: Denial

The first stage of grief is denial. You may be saying to yourself “I can’t believe that he left me” or “I can’t believe that she likes him better.” These are normal reactions.

Stage 2: Anger

Next, you will move on to an acceptance of the situation that is infused with anger. You believe that the person has really broken your heart and you are angry with them for doing that.

Stage 3: Sadness

In time, you will be able to acknowledge your sadness without the strong emotional response of anger. During this time, you need to take care of yourself and your needs.

Stage 4: Acceptance

Finally, you will eventually be in a place where you can accept your loss. While you may still feel sad from time to time, you will move to a new place in your life where new relationships of all sorts begin to fill the void left when your ex dumped you.

You should know that there is not a linear progression of grief lessening. That means that some times you will feel grief more intensely than others and while it will gradually get better over time, there will be spikes of intense emotional pain. This is normal and if you are prepared for it, you will be able to handle it better.

The process of mourning is how we cope with grief. Mourning binds up the torn places where love was and gives you a chance to heal.

Three Pronged Emotions

There are three important parts of you that have to be addressed when you are getting over someone: the conscious mind, the unconscious mind, and the physical dimension.

You will probably be most aware of your conscious mind; after all, this is where you create meaning. This is the center of your thinking and awareness.

You have more control over your conscious mind than over the other two dimensions. When you have a negative thought, you can actively replace it with a positive thought. You can create a new positive reality if you really try.

That is not to say that it is easy to control your conscious mind. Only that it is possible.

The next level is your unconscious mind. This is the area of your brain that stores and runs the programs of automatic behavior. You don’t consciously think about breathing most of the time, your brain just runs the “breathe” program in the background while your conscious mind is dreaming of cupcakes (or revenge).

Your unconscious mind works by carrying out tasks without your deliberate intention. It does this through the mechanism of association.

That is why you will be calmly walking along a street and start crying for no apparent reason. Perhaps you see a discarded candy wrapper of your ex’s favorite candy. That makes an unconscious trigger to think about them. You may not have even processed the candy wrapper in your conscious mind, but your unconscious mind has started the grieve mechanism.

Dealing with the unconscious mind means reprogramming the circuits. For most people, this happens naturally over time. But, if you want to speed things along, you should try guided imagery, meditation, and prayer to reprogram your unconscious mind.

Finally, almost all intimate relationships have some level of physical contact, even if it is not a sexual relationship. You hold hands, kiss, and do other non-verbal affectionate communication.

If you had a sexual relationship, you will notice your ex’s absence even more as you are no longer having your sexual needs fulfilled.

How to Survive One Day at a Time

The most important day in surviving a break up is today. Get through today and tomorrow will be easier. Get through tomorrow and all of your tomorrows will be easier. The key is to survive one day at a time.

Although your relationship has ended, your life has not. In fact, you may have more time now to do the things you love.

There are several strategies you can employ to survive today.

One is to meditate. Another is to pray. In either case, you are using your mind to heal your heart.

Some people turn to food to help them get through the day. In moderation, this isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

Many people eat ice cream when they are depressed. This may be because of a chemical in the body known as ghrelin which increases your appetite when you are depressed. People are especially prone to eat ice cream when ghrelin is produced in the brain and stomach.

Others turn to chocolate. This may be because the chemicals in chocolate replicate the feeling in the brain of being in love. Chocolate’s key ingredient is phenylethylamine (PEA).

A non-calorie indulgence for people who are trying to heal a broken heart is herbal tea. Tea is soothing and warm. Herbal tea helps you to sleep, improves your immune system, and has a calming effect overall.

On the theme of indulgence, you might want to go out of your way to focus on you. Get a massage or a manicure. Treating your body to an indulgence may help you get over the physical nature of the relationship.

You should also look for a distraction. It’s a good time to read that thick novel that you have been saving for a rainy day. Getting into the plot of someone else’s life (even a fictional character) is good for getting over an ex.

Another distraction is to watch a movie. You don’t want to watch a romantic comedy or drama, but most other movies are good for the soul at this time.

Some people recommend watching a comedy which will encourage you to laugh again. Perhaps the sillier the movie, the better this strategy is.

Other people encourage you to watch a movie that will make you cry. Being prompted to cry at someone else’s sorrows may help you let out your own emotions for the first time. The tears could be cathartic.

A final distraction is shopping. For some people, the act of buying something new helps them get on with life. Remember that if you buy something on credit, you will be paying for it for a long time, so purchase responsibly.

It is Okay to Mourn

Grief requires mourning. Give yourself permission to get over the relationship. Call in sick to work if you need to.

Write a letter to your ex spilling out all of the hurt you have. It is okay for this letter to run pages and pages long. But don’t send it. Instead, when you have poured out your heart on paper, burn it. This will help you bring closure to the relationship.

You may also want to create a “divorce ceremony” to help you bring closure to the relationship. Just as the bride and groom take two separately lit candles and together light a unity candle to signify their new union at a wedding, you can create a divorce ceremony that signifies your new single state. Your ex may wish to join you in this ceremony or you can do it yourself.

Congratulate Yourself on Being Human

Part of being human is experiencing the hurts of everyday life. Life hurts - but there are great parts too. Acknowledging that there is both pain and joy in life will help you appreciate the human experience more.

You may want to develop a helpful mantra to help you get through this stage in your life. A mantra is a mind tool which is used like a barbell for the mind. You repeat a short phrase frequently to help you develop that mindset. You might say “I am a lovable person” to yourself with a great frequency - especially when you are feeling unlovable.

During this time, you should reach out to a close friend or family member for support. Your ex was a big part of your support system prior to the break up. Because they are no longer there, you need to strengthen the other facets of the support system you have in place.

You also need to remember what is good about you. Make a list of the things you offer a potential partner. If you are loving, giving, and an easy conversationalist, dwell on these things rather than the fact that your ex didn’t want you anymore.

Also, remember that it’s not always about you. Your ex had other things going on in their life that were independent of whatever you brought to the relationship. When they said “it’s not you, it’s me,” maybe it was.

Finally, honor how you are feeling. Don’t dismiss your emotions quickly just because they are uncomfortable. Part of being human is to have these hard emotions. They help you grow.

Surviving the Immediate Future!

Once you get past the initial shock of the break up, you will still have a period of mourning. During this time, you have to toughen up. While you may have been able to indulge your self for a short time, now it is time to adjust to the new reality.

Take good care of yourself. While having a pint of beer felt good right after the break up, developing good eating habits is important now. You should also be exercising regularly. The endorphins that your body produces when you exercise will help improve your mood.

Don’t be afraid to cry when the mood strikes you. You are going to have ups and downs. But, don’t give in to a chronic state of depression.

Forgive your ex. At some point, you will have to forgive your ex for breaking your heart. You will also have to forgive them for any actions they took during the relationship which hurt you. The longer you hold anger toward your ex, the longer it will be before you can exit the break up mentality.

You should also ask your ex for forgiveness for any of the hurt you caused in the relationship. This will allow you to cleanse.

Go out - even when you don’t feel like it. This can mean going out with your friends for social things. But it can also mean going out on dates with a new person. While you don’t want to enter into a hot and heavy rebound relationship, going out on dates will allow you to see yourself as an attractive catch. It will boost your self esteem at a time when you really need it. Go out on a date with someone you are not likely to fall in love with.

Socialize with your friends and reconnect with people who you have let go of. Many times, a relationship dominates our lives and our other friends get squeezed out without us even knowing it. Go through your address book or email list and find people you haven’t talked to in a few months. Set up a time to go out for coffee.

Take up a new hobby or interest. If you always wanted to try toll painting, take a class. If your ex was a couch potato but you like the great outdoors, join a hiking group. Not only will your new activity take up some of the time left vacant from the termination of the relationship, you will also have the chance to meet new people.

Think about getting out of town for a few days. The change in scenery could be good for your soul.

You can also get a new hairstyle or do a wardrobe makeover. You don’t have to consider your ex’s preferences any more. It may be a good time to reinvent yourself.

Remember that healing takes time. You are going to have good days and bad.

Figure out what you were supposed to have learned from the relationship and then apply that to your life in the future.

Finally, believe that your ex did you a favor in the long term when they called it off. Your true soul mate is still out there waiting for you.

In the long term, you will begin to compartmentalize the experience. Your ex will become just another boyfriend or girlfriend. That will be one part of your life, but you will have many other parts.

Can You Get Your Ex Back?

One of the big questions people have when they have been dumped is whether they can get their ex back. There are any number of tricks and techniques to use to ensnare your ex, but the question is whether you want to. Even if it hurts, is this a good time to let go and move on?

If you do decide you want your ex, there are three paths to take, only one of which is truly effective.

The one most people choose is to act needy. They write long letters to their ex pouring out their heart (and they actually send them rather than burn them which I suggested earlier.) They make midnight phone calls or send multiple text messages. They send friends as emissaries to “feel out” whether their ex would want them back.

This tends to be a turn off for many exes. They will feel hunted and go out of their way to shy away from you.

A second route is recommended by many of the “get your ex back” products and it involves playing games. Show up where they hang out and then talk to everyone but your ex. Flirt with your ex’s friends. Even date the best friend.

In the long run, these tricks cannot repair a broken relationship - even if they get your ex back short term.

If you really are determined to get your ex back, you need to take control of yourself. Become the person they fell in love with all over again. Do a makeover and take better care of yourself. It’s okay to start dating again because this will let them know that you are an attractive person to other people.

If you take control of yourself, there is some hope that they will fall in love with you again. You haven’t hounded your ex into coming back and you haven’t played any games. You’ve simply moved on with your life while being open to your ex maybe returning.

In this way, you can start to move on while leaving the door open which is probably the best way to leave things if you want to get your ex back.

Can You Still Be Friends?

One of the standard lines in a break up is “I just want to be friends.” Is it possible to just be friends with someone who you have previously had an intimate relationship with?

Although being friends after the split offers temporary relief, it may block the slow but necessary passage from loss to restoration of independence.

You need to give each other space to heal and to move on with life. If you see each other frequently, you may try to hold on to some thoughts of getting back together.

If you do want to be friends in the long run, give yourself some space in the short term. Take a 30 day “vacation” from each other. During this time, you should not have any contact with each other including phone calls, meetings, or emails. Go out of your way to not be present where the other one is.

If you do decide to remain friends after this 30 day period, the feeling must be mutual. If one person decides that they do not want to pursue a friendship, then it is not possible.

If you still want to be friends, there must be some ground rules. Understand the feelings each of you have for each other. You should also understand each of your motivations for wanting to stay in contact.

When you talk, ask neutral questions rather than emotionally laden ones. Avoid hurtful confrontations or questions.

You should also establish boundaries. For instance, how often do you want to see or call each other? What kinds of gifts are appropriate for the new friendship?

Conclusion

The best piece of advice I have for you is “this too shall pass.” No, it’s not easy. But, life isn’t easy. Instead, life is filled with sorrows and joys. Rejoice in the fact that you are human and that you will find your soul mate in the future.

7 Lies Men Tell Women

He says he loves you in that dress, but should you believe him?

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, love's predictably on everyones minds. The topic of trust is an important factor in all matters of the heart -- and here's why. Men lie to women. Women lie to men. And most people agree that some lying is even necessary -- to avoid petty squabbles and to grease the wheels of a relationship.

But there are crucial differences in the lies women and men tell. A study by psychologist Bella M. DePaulo of the University of Virginia found that when women lie, they tend to focus on making others feel better -- such as the woman who tells her hostess that dinner is "simply delicious" even as she cringes with every mouthful.

At the heart of many men's lies, however, is the male ego. Men lie to build themselves up or to conceal something, DePaulo says. According to psychologist Michael Lewis in the book Lying and Deception in Everyday Life, men are more likely to lie to enhance themselves than women are.

But consistent lying -- even about minor matters -- can unglue a marriage. Women need to know what kind of lies to watch for, when to accept the lies and when to call a partner's bluff. Here, from my own experience and surveys, are some of the most common lies men tell women:

"Me? I graduated top of my class."
This is a classic case of the runaway male ego, designed to present a man in the best light and impress a woman. When the lies continue into marriage, it's not long before the truth will out.

Playwright Neil Simon recalls what happened after his first hit play, Come Blow Your Horn. Every morning he'd leave for his office, telling his wife he was writing his next play. In fact, Simon had become so engrossed in a dart game he'd devised that he had not written a word. "For two months I lied to Joan," he wrote later. "I told her the new play I was feverishly working on was coming along nicely."

Men have a hard time admitting failure. How our culture defines success is important to a man, so he assumes it's important to his partner.

Normally, as trust builds, a man drops these types of lies. If he doesn't, his spouse needs to be careful. A man who can't be honest about his failures -- at work or elsewhere -- may end up blaming his wife when the going gets tough in their marriage.

"Of course I like your friends!"
The lies to make a woman fall in love or stay in love account for many truth-stretchers. In one study, psychologist William Tooke and an assistant at the State University of New York College at Plattsburgh asked 110 students at the university to look at 88 deceptive tactics -- such as inflating one's accomplishments and wearing designer clothes to appear wealthy -- and reveal how often they were used in their own relationships. Men were significantly more likely than women to use such deceptions.

A man I know told his girlfriend, "You're a great cook -- much better than my mother." In fact, his mother is a chef at a well-known New York restaurant. Fortunately for him, by the time his girlfriend discovered the truth -- when they dined at his mother's restaurant -- she was so in love that she forgave his overzealous compliment.

Women sometimes aren't as cautious as they should be when flattered. If a man insists that his wife's parents are wonderful, she should observe whether he actually wants to spend time with them. The same applies for her dog, her kids or anything else he says he's crazy about.

Ego-stroking statements that turn out to be total lies may be designed to cover up opposite feelings -- for instance, when a man says he values his wife's work but actually doesn't consider it important. Such lies can signal serious problems ahead, whether it's dealing with child care, vacation plans or career moves.

"Honey, you're the best."
One of the most lied-about subjects has to be sex. Perhaps that's because it's the area where we are most vulnerable. Here again men are likely to lie.

In the first rush of romance it makes sense for a man to engage in exaggerated praise of a woman's beauty and sexuality. But "you're the best" lies can paralyze a relationship.

A male colleague once confided to me that there were things he hated about his wife's lovemaking. But he couldn't bring them up because he'd spent years telling her she was "the greatest" in bed. By continually lying to her, he had placed real limitations on their love life -- and their marriage.

If a woman feels her man is holding back on his true sexual feelings, she needs to encourage him to be open. Talking about her own preferences is a good way to begin. Real intimacy depends on truth -- lovingly told -- especially in the bedroom.

"No, I can't call you. I don't even know where I'll be."
These are the sad lies, the ones he tells because he's falling out of love. The more quickly a woman seeks the truth behind these lies, the sooner she can remedy the relationship -- or, if necessary, end it. As one friend puts it, "I'd rather have the ax fall than slip down the endless slope of uncertainty and frustration."

A wife may not be sure that what her husband is saying means "the end." She should listen closely, not only to what he says, but also to how he says it. According to DePaulo, changes in voice can be significant. She has found that people's voices often get higher or shakier when they lie, and they are more likely to stumble over words.

"That dress isn't too tight. It looks great!"
By and large, these are the good lies -- the ones that show he cares. But kind lies can be too much of a good thing if a man habitually says only what his partner wants to hear. It sets the woman up for rude awakenings.

After all, if the dress she's wearing really is too tight, has he done her a favor? Far better is the tactful truth: "I usually love what you wear, honey, but it just doesn't look quite as good this time."

Of course, the woman has to mean it when she says she wants the truth. A woman once told sociologist Annette Lawson, "I made him swear always to tell the truth. I promised him I would never resent it, no matter how unbearable, how harsh, how cruel. How could he think I meant it?"

"They're downsizing at work. But don't worry. They won't get me."
Many men still feel paternalistic about the women they love, so they lie to spare them worry. But these lies can destroy the very sense of confidence that the man hoped to create. And they can make a woman feel she is not a respected partner in the relationship.

She can demand a halt to these lies only if she isn't engaging in them herself. One couple, both midlevel executives, were worried about losing their jobs, but neither wanted to worry the other. She waited until her husband was asleep to write job applications. He bought a second copy of the newspaper so he could circle employment ads. But the secrecy exacted a price. Eventually the wife began to wonder if her husband was having an affair.

Then one day the husband arrived ahead of schedule for an appointment with a headhunter. "There's another candidate with her now," the receptionist said. It was his wife.

Learning the truth helped the couple begin supporting instead of "protecting" each other. The burden lifted, and their marriage stayed on track. Incidentally, neither of them was fired.

"Sure, I'll mow the lawn -- as soon as this crick in my back goes away."
There are few things that trouble a man more than a woman's anger -- or nagging, as he calls it -- so he lies to avoid a scene. It is in "hassle-prevention lying" that men can demonstrate their greatest versatility.

"I'll take the kids to the park -- when the weather gets nicer," he says as he goes out the door with golf clubs. "I would have scrubbed the pots, but I couldn't find the scouring pads" -- never looking under the sink.

I know of a young man in New York City who forgot his girlfriend's birthday. When she confronted him, he claimed he'd planned a surprise all along. He grabbed the phone, called a home-shopping network and berated the representative for not sending the expensive gift he'd ordered. "If you can't do better than this, I'll tear up my membership card!" he shouted. Of course, the man didn't have a card and had never ordered a gift.

If hassle-prevention lies are occasional, the woman can ignore them. But if they form a pattern, she needs to look at what the real problems are.

In his book The Varnished Truth, David Nyberg, professor of education at State University of New York at Buffalo, states, "Occasionally there is a lot to lose by telling the truth, and something to be gained by not telling the truth." Still, it's important to remember that lies are at heart deceptions, and repeated deceptions destroy intimacy.

Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling. When lying comes to predominate in a marriage, the relationship begins to deteriorate. A husband and wife can sense the trust erode, and feel their hearts growing colder.

The healing oxygen is truth. A woman who is hearing too many lies needs to have a serious discussion with her husband. She should stress she's ready to listen, and ask him to present his thoughts in a caring manner.

Men, for their part, need to develop the courage to drop the defense mechanisms that bolster their egos and pride, and search for true intimacy with their mates. Telling the truth to a spouse is the first step toward showing that love is more important than lies.

50 Ways to Woo Your Lover

So you want to do something special for your beloved, but you're stumped for ideas. Whether you want a gesture that's creative, outrageous, affordable, quick or classic, we've got the answer.

Creative
Looking for some fun ways to add romance to your relationship? Try these creative romance tips:
Give your lover a dozen roses -- and do it with a creative twist. Give eleven red roses and one white rose. Attach a note that reads: "In every bunch there's one who stands out -- and you are that one."

Fake a power outage at home. (Loosen the fuses or throw the breaker switches.) With no TV to tempt you . . . with no computer to occupy you . . . with no furnace to heat you . . . you pretty much have no choice but to get out the candles, huddle around the fireplace and be romantic!

Get your partner a wristwatch. Inscribe it with: "I always have time for you."

Attach a $100 bill to a Victoria's Secret catalog, along with a note to him saying, "You choose."

Identify that one pivotal event that brought the two of you together. Celebrate that event every year.

Practice even-day/odd-day romance: On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.

Following a bubble bath you've prepared for her, wrap her in a towel that you've warmed up in the dryer.

Write your partner a love letter or poem on one sheet of paper. Glue it to thin cardboard, cut it up into puzzle-shaped pieces, then mail all the pieces. Or, mail one puzzle piece per day!

Remove all the paper strips (that say "Kisses" on them) from a couple hundred Hershey's Kisses. Fill a jewelry box with them. Wrap 'em up and present them to your partner. Write a certificate explaining that the slips are coupons redeemable for one kiss each.

Doesn't your partner deserve a trophy for being the "World's Best Lover"? Trophy shops have a wealth of ideas waiting for you. Just think of the romantic possibilities of plaques, medals, ribbons, nameplates, certificates and banners. And they all can be personalized, engraved, lettered or monogrammed.

Outrageous
To make a big impression, consider these outrageous romance tips:
Visit a karaoke bar and surprise your lover by getting up and singing "your song" to him/her.

Kidnap her! Blindfold her. Drive her around town until she's thoroughly lost. Then reveal your destination: Her favorite restaurant, or maybe a romantic inn.

Make a GIANT greeting card out of a big cardboard box, (such as the type used to pack a refrigerator).

Does your partner love M&M's? Fill a one-gallon glass jar with them as a gift.

Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal? Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

Call your partner from work, every-hour-on-the-hour, just to say "I love you."

Slow-dance at a restaurant -- when there's no music playing.

It's romantic -- but commonplace -- to eat dinner by candlelight. So here's a change of pace: Eat breakfast by candlelight.

Take your lover on a surprise two-week vacation to Paris.

Many couples have "His" and "Hers" matching towels, but here are some other ideas: "His" and "Hers" matching silk pajamas, motorcycles, T-shirts, overnight bags (have them packed at all times), jack-o'-lanterns at Halloween, rocking chairs, Porsches (millionaires need love, too), heart-shaped tattoos, Christmas tree ornaments, tennis rackets, beach towels.

Affordable
Short on cash but big on love? Try these affordable romance tips:

Spend the entire day watching romantic movies.

If you'd like to spend a romantic summer night making wishes on falling stars, mark the second week in August on your calendar. The earth passes through the Perseid meteor belt around August 12 every year, which usually results in spectacular meteor showers for two to three nights.

Buy a lottery ticket. Give it to your partner with a little note attached: "I hit the jackpot when I married you!"

Pick flowers for your partner from the side of the road.

Write a short note to your lover that's spread out over several postcards, then mail the cards one at a time. You'll build anticipation for the romantic conclusion on the final postcard. (Maybe deliver that last one in person.)

If you're not much of a writer, create an audio love letter. Sit down with a tape recorder and just talk to her for ten minutes. Then giftwrap it and mail it to her.

Don't just go out to a movie on Saturday, like always. Call your partner from work on Wednesday and formally ask for a date.

Call a local radio station and request a special love song to be dedicated to your partner. Make sure he or she is listening!

Make a custom certificate for your lover. (You can get blank certificate forms at a stationery or paper store.) Here are some suggestions: A certificate "For Putting Up With Me Over the Years," an award for "The World's Best Wife," a ribbon "For Hugs & Kisses Above and Beyond the Call of Duty."

Mail your partner a Rolodex card with your name and number on it. Write on it: "Your instant resource for love. Call when lonely."

Quick
If you don't have as much time as you'd like for love, try these swift but sweet romance tips:

Write "I love you" on the bathroom mirror with a piece of soap.

Place a little love note or poem under the driver's-side windshield wiper of his or her car.

Every once in a while, kiss her hand with a flourish. Note: The proper way to kiss a woman's hand is to lower your lips to her hand. You don't raise her hand to your lips.

Have "your song" playing on the stereo when your partner returns home from work.

When out together in public, wink at your partner from across the room.

On your partner's birthday, send a thank-you card to his/her mother.

Unplug the TV. Put a note on the screen saying, "Turn me on instead."

Make a toast to one another every time you hold a wineglass. Make eye contact. Take turns making the toast. Whisper it.

Get the whole "family of products" in the fragrance of her favorite perfume (bath powder, soaps, cremes, candles, etc.)

Call your partner from work for no other reason than to say, "I love you."

Classic
Looking for a tried-and-true method for declaring your love? Consider these classic romance tips:

Spread rose petals all over the bedroom.

What could be more classic than a fine gold locket with your photo inside? (Maybe a photo of the two of you.)

Bring home one small, unexpected gift each week.

Write a classic, romantic, passionate, handwritten, heartfelt love letter. Most adults haven't written a love letter since high school. (Why not? Have we lost our youthful idealism, or have we just gotten lazy?)

When traveling, give your partner a bouquet of roses; one rose for each day that you'll be away. Attach a note that says something like this: "These three roses represent the three days I'll be away from you. They also symbolize the love, joy, and laughter we share together."

Say "I love you" at least three times a day.

Guys: Surprise her by performing one of her chores for her. (And not something easy like carrying the groceries in from the car, but something that requires some time and effort -- like cooking all the meals over a weekend, or cleaning the entire house.)

Ladies: Send him a letter sealed with a kiss. (Use your reddest lipstick.)

Hold hands.

On your yearly romantic checklist, make plans for Valentine's Day -- well in advance!