Relationships are one of the most frustrating aspects of human existence. It seems like some kind of cosmic joke that men and women are so different in every way, yet we?re supposed to pair up successfully. It can seem impossible to tell what the opposite sex is thinking and how we can respond. Unfortunately, many men depend on an ill-informed set of criteria to decode what they think women want. Eyelash batting is a sure sigh if you?re into the middle-school set. What you should be keeping your eyes peeled for is a combination of positives and negatives. Here?s some insight to how real women show there interest, or lack of.
1- Body Language
This is a big one. There?s a lot of information to be gathered here. It will tell you if she?s interested, and it can tell you if she?s not. . Pay attention to how she?s sitting. Are her legs crossed toward you or away from you? If they?re toward you, then chat with her; if they?re away, then you should go away too. If she?s closed off, meaning she?s physically withdraw from you: turns away, folds her arms, avoids eye contact, she?s telling you to keep moving. If you see the opposite behaviors, have a seat.
2- The eyes have it
If her body language says yes, then you?re probably close enough to check out her eyes. Our pupils dilate when we look at something we desire. There?s no way to fake it either way. It?s basic biology.
3- Get a clue
If you?re not catching the nonverbals she?s throwing out, listen to the words that are coming out of her mouth. There are certain topics a woman will never broach with a man she?d like to get to know better, and some things she?s only say if she?s into you:
* Exes - If she talks about other guys, even ex boyfriends, she?s saying there?s no room for you.
* Eternity ? If she goes over the top about how she?s itching to tie the knot, she?s either got issues you don?t want to get involved with or she wants rid of you.
It?s a fail proof way to run a new guy off. The same goes for any degree of biological clock ticking.
*Interrogation If she?s interested, she?ll ask. It?s that simple. No woman is going to ask get-to-know-you-type questions to a man she doesn?t want to know about. If she?s asking about your job, your family, your extra curricular activities, treat it like a job interview. You are being evaluated for compatibility and boyfriend potential.
So, forget everything you think you know about hair twirling and giggling. Grown women don?t behave that way. Dating can be tricky, especially at the start, but there?s no need to complicate things by trying to play it like a guessing game. Responding to simple social cues will save a lot of confusion for all involved. Uncomplicated relationship doesn?t have to be an oxymoron.
Showing posts with label Marriage Facts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage Facts. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tips For Forming Better Relationships
With very less real interaction in the bedroom and with rising interaction in boardrooms, a marriage becomes a bond of convenience.
Every marriage experiences ennui once in a while. The foundation of every relationship, especially marriage is friendship. And the foundation of every friendship is acceptance. When we're in the company of friends, we tend to throw up our feet and let our hair down. While most couples take the liberty of becoming complacent, we must also remember to create an atmosphere where our partners also have the liberty to be on their own.
Listening to spouse's woes can certainly create a strong bond. Even if a spouse is lamenting over one's own parent's behavior, listening and understanding can cement the bond. Being indebted to one's parents doesn't mean we refuse to see them in the light our partners perceive them. Our parents have walked a great length along with us and the rest of the journey has to be completed with our partner.
Pitching in daily affairs like caring for toddlers, like taking turns in changing nappies, looking after schoolwork of grown children, attending to convalescing in-laws, joking with a spouse's siblings or friends are things that can forge a stronger bond.
Joining in dinnertime conversations, discussing office politics, world affairs etc can also create a friendship. After all listening and conversation are the foundations of any good friendship. Here, non-judgmental listening is what is needed.
Like the way we never leave anything under the carpet, nothing in a relationship should be kept secret. Past issues, like hurts, insecurities, lies, etc should be brought out into the open and discussed. Couples must vow never to carry the previous day's hurts into a new day. Every day is a new day and yesterday's hurts should never mar today.
While it's easy to criticize a spouse, the best solution is to find a solution for a problem. While complaining, give a solution, an option too. Let it sound like a brainstorming session at work. And once in a while, it's wise to let the spouse let off steam. However, ensure that each partner gets to let off steam.
Communication is the keyword. Marriage requires an investment too. Exactly the way any friendship needs. Communicating appreciation, anger, joy etc can fortify a marriage. Dating each other without the children can be fun and revive your romance.
Like a plant that requires water, sunlight, soil, pruning and weeding, your marriage needs all these too. Marriage is the soil and love is the manure on which the plant flourishes. Sex is the regular watering that is essential for the plant to grow. The warmth of your appreciation cannot be underestimated. When you weed out, remember to weed out the third party from your marriage that includes your own parents and unwanted rivals. And when you prune, see that you don't uproot, and remember pruning always heralds new and luxuriant growth.
Every marriage experiences ennui once in a while. The foundation of every relationship, especially marriage is friendship. And the foundation of every friendship is acceptance. When we're in the company of friends, we tend to throw up our feet and let our hair down. While most couples take the liberty of becoming complacent, we must also remember to create an atmosphere where our partners also have the liberty to be on their own.
Listening to spouse's woes can certainly create a strong bond. Even if a spouse is lamenting over one's own parent's behavior, listening and understanding can cement the bond. Being indebted to one's parents doesn't mean we refuse to see them in the light our partners perceive them. Our parents have walked a great length along with us and the rest of the journey has to be completed with our partner.
Pitching in daily affairs like caring for toddlers, like taking turns in changing nappies, looking after schoolwork of grown children, attending to convalescing in-laws, joking with a spouse's siblings or friends are things that can forge a stronger bond.
Joining in dinnertime conversations, discussing office politics, world affairs etc can also create a friendship. After all listening and conversation are the foundations of any good friendship. Here, non-judgmental listening is what is needed.
Like the way we never leave anything under the carpet, nothing in a relationship should be kept secret. Past issues, like hurts, insecurities, lies, etc should be brought out into the open and discussed. Couples must vow never to carry the previous day's hurts into a new day. Every day is a new day and yesterday's hurts should never mar today.
While it's easy to criticize a spouse, the best solution is to find a solution for a problem. While complaining, give a solution, an option too. Let it sound like a brainstorming session at work. And once in a while, it's wise to let the spouse let off steam. However, ensure that each partner gets to let off steam.
Communication is the keyword. Marriage requires an investment too. Exactly the way any friendship needs. Communicating appreciation, anger, joy etc can fortify a marriage. Dating each other without the children can be fun and revive your romance.
Like a plant that requires water, sunlight, soil, pruning and weeding, your marriage needs all these too. Marriage is the soil and love is the manure on which the plant flourishes. Sex is the regular watering that is essential for the plant to grow. The warmth of your appreciation cannot be underestimated. When you weed out, remember to weed out the third party from your marriage that includes your own parents and unwanted rivals. And when you prune, see that you don't uproot, and remember pruning always heralds new and luxuriant growth.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
107-Year-Old Chinese Woman Looking for Husband
A Chinese woman who was afraid to get married when she was young, is now 107 and looking for a first-time husband.
Wang Guiying, a 107-year-old Chinese woman, is worried that she has become a burden to her “aged” nephews and nieces ever since she broke her leg at the age of 102, when she had to stop doing certain house chores, Australia’s News reported.
- I am 107 years old and have not been married. What will happen if I don’t hurry up and fund a husband – the wannabe bride told the local media.
Childhood fears
Born in the Guizhou province into a family of salt tradesmen, Ms. Wang grew up watching scenes of domestic violence in her own and neighbouring houses. With such marriage conditions and “feminising” rituals, such as decreasing the size of women’s feet, she did not even want to consider getting married.
Even after the deaths of her father, mother and elder sister, she refused to get married. She left for the countryside and worked in agriculture until the age of 74 when she moved in with her nephews in the town of Chongqing. But as all her nieces and nephews are well over 60 now, Ms. Wang decided the time has come for her to get married. Local officials will also help her search for a suitable groom
60 Ways To Keep Your Wife's Love, —Guaranteed—
1- Make her feel secure- don’t joke about divorcing her, this will put a hole in your marriage.
2- Always greet her whenever you arrive
3- Your wife is a fragile vessel so take care of her- In this vessel there is a lot of goodness so treat her in a gentle manner.
4- Advice her in privacy and the best timing. Don’t advice her in the presence of others, it can be a type of humility
5- Be generous with her
6- Move out of your way for her, when she’s coming to sit get up and let her sit on your seat tell her: ‘here honey sit I warmed up the seat for you’
7- Avoid anger.
8- Look good for her and smell great.
9- Don’t be rigid, you will be broken- just because you are a man doesn’t mean you have to be harsh hearted
10- Be a good listener
11- Say yes for flattering and no for arguing.
12- Call your wife with the best names she likes to hear.
13- Surprise her secretly. Ex: Bring her a watermelon when it’s not the season of watermelons. Pick and choose in surprising her, be an artist in surprising her pleasantly
14- Preserve the tongue
15- Accept her shortcomings/ everyone has one
16- Show your appreciation to her
17- Encourage her to be in touch with her kin relations
18- Speak topics of her interest.
19- Speak of her goodness in the presence of others
20- Shower her with gifts. give gifts and you’ll love each other’ MML It’s doesn’t matter how cheap or expensive the gift is, it’s the thought that counts!
21- Get rid of the same old routine once in a while, scrub the rust. Ex: Buy her ticket to a vacation cruise or something that she will enjoy.
22- Think good of her-
23- Ignore some of the words/actions you don’t like
24- Add a drop of patience- It can go a long way- i.e: at her time of pregnancy, menses…etc
25- Expect and respect her jealousy.
26- Be humble
27- Don’t put a price on her happiness.
28- Help her around household chores
29- You can’t force her to love her in laws, but help her respect and love your parents.
30- Show her that she is an ideal wife; each and every wife is an ideal wife in many ways, so make her feel that.
31- Make dua’a for her and always remember her in your dua’as
32- Leave her past
33- Don’t show her that you are doing favors by doing your duties
34- ****aan/Satan is your enemy NOT your wife!
35- When eating, don’t only feed yourself, feed her TOO! - Not only does it go to the stomach but to the heart too.
36- Look at her as a precious pearl, treat her and take care of her like a precious pearl
37- Speaking of pearlsà show her YOUR pearlsà SMILE! . Don’t put your smile out-of-service when you reach home! Don’t be rigid.
38- Don’t hold grudges. Deal with the littlest matters and don’t ignore them, it will build up and will create a wall between you and your wife.
39- Avoid being harsh hearted and moody.
40- Respect her thinking; her thinking strengthens you.
41- Help her discover/develop her skills and her success within
42- Respect the boundaries of the intimate relationship- it’s a fragile matter.
43- Help her with the children; it’s not only her job it’s yours too!
44- Complement her!-give her the gifts of the tongues-
45- Don’t be a stranger to her meals, know your wife’s meals, and eat her food.
46- Let her know when you are traveling don’t just disappear, and also let her know about your arrival.
47- When arguments arise, deal with it and don’t run away from it.
48- Don’t share your home secrets with your friends. Keep your privacy, and don’t make it a garage sale.
49- Encourage each other to worship together, listen to a lecture/recitation.-
50- Engrave her rights in your heart and in your conscious
51- Treat her with kindness through happiness and sorrow
52- Don’t jump on your wife like a ball!, in fact polish your love with many kisses- A kiss is a messenger-
53- When disputes happen between you and your wife, don’t go and share it with the whole world.-don’t leave your wounds open for the germs-
54- Show her that you care for her health.
55- Don’t think that you are right all the time!-No one Is perfect but the prophet (saw)-
56- Share you happiness and sorrow with her.
57- Have mercy on her.
58- Be the shoulder she can lean on!
59- Accept her as is, she’s a bent rib so don’t try to straighten it.
*Side note: A dear friend once said: “a bent rib cannot be straightened, and in fact the beauty of it lies within its curve!”
60- Have good intentions for your wife -
2- Always greet her whenever you arrive
3- Your wife is a fragile vessel so take care of her- In this vessel there is a lot of goodness so treat her in a gentle manner.
4- Advice her in privacy and the best timing. Don’t advice her in the presence of others, it can be a type of humility
5- Be generous with her
6- Move out of your way for her, when she’s coming to sit get up and let her sit on your seat tell her: ‘here honey sit I warmed up the seat for you’
7- Avoid anger.
8- Look good for her and smell great.
9- Don’t be rigid, you will be broken- just because you are a man doesn’t mean you have to be harsh hearted
10- Be a good listener
11- Say yes for flattering and no for arguing.
12- Call your wife with the best names she likes to hear.
13- Surprise her secretly. Ex: Bring her a watermelon when it’s not the season of watermelons. Pick and choose in surprising her, be an artist in surprising her pleasantly
14- Preserve the tongue
15- Accept her shortcomings/ everyone has one
16- Show your appreciation to her
17- Encourage her to be in touch with her kin relations
18- Speak topics of her interest.
19- Speak of her goodness in the presence of others
20- Shower her with gifts. give gifts and you’ll love each other’ MML It’s doesn’t matter how cheap or expensive the gift is, it’s the thought that counts!
21- Get rid of the same old routine once in a while, scrub the rust. Ex: Buy her ticket to a vacation cruise or something that she will enjoy.
22- Think good of her-
23- Ignore some of the words/actions you don’t like
24- Add a drop of patience- It can go a long way- i.e: at her time of pregnancy, menses…etc
25- Expect and respect her jealousy.
26- Be humble
27- Don’t put a price on her happiness.
28- Help her around household chores
29- You can’t force her to love her in laws, but help her respect and love your parents.
30- Show her that she is an ideal wife; each and every wife is an ideal wife in many ways, so make her feel that.
31- Make dua’a for her and always remember her in your dua’as
32- Leave her past
33- Don’t show her that you are doing favors by doing your duties
34- ****aan/Satan is your enemy NOT your wife!
35- When eating, don’t only feed yourself, feed her TOO! - Not only does it go to the stomach but to the heart too.
36- Look at her as a precious pearl, treat her and take care of her like a precious pearl
37- Speaking of pearlsà show her YOUR pearlsà SMILE! . Don’t put your smile out-of-service when you reach home! Don’t be rigid.
38- Don’t hold grudges. Deal with the littlest matters and don’t ignore them, it will build up and will create a wall between you and your wife.
39- Avoid being harsh hearted and moody.
40- Respect her thinking; her thinking strengthens you.
41- Help her discover/develop her skills and her success within
42- Respect the boundaries of the intimate relationship- it’s a fragile matter.
43- Help her with the children; it’s not only her job it’s yours too!
44- Complement her!-give her the gifts of the tongues-
45- Don’t be a stranger to her meals, know your wife’s meals, and eat her food.
46- Let her know when you are traveling don’t just disappear, and also let her know about your arrival.
47- When arguments arise, deal with it and don’t run away from it.
48- Don’t share your home secrets with your friends. Keep your privacy, and don’t make it a garage sale.
49- Encourage each other to worship together, listen to a lecture/recitation.-
50- Engrave her rights in your heart and in your conscious
51- Treat her with kindness through happiness and sorrow
52- Don’t jump on your wife like a ball!, in fact polish your love with many kisses- A kiss is a messenger-
53- When disputes happen between you and your wife, don’t go and share it with the whole world.-don’t leave your wounds open for the germs-
54- Show her that you care for her health.
55- Don’t think that you are right all the time!-No one Is perfect but the prophet (saw)-
56- Share you happiness and sorrow with her.
57- Have mercy on her.
58- Be the shoulder she can lean on!
59- Accept her as is, she’s a bent rib so don’t try to straighten it.
*Side note: A dear friend once said: “a bent rib cannot be straightened, and in fact the beauty of it lies within its curve!”
60- Have good intentions for your wife -
Would you marry for LOVE or MONEY?
Which is more important to you? To live a life without ever wanting for anything or to be with someone you love?
Physical Attraction
How does that come into play within the confines of an Arranged Marriage ?
Everyone says how important it is to have a degree of attraction to the person you want to marry but how can one be physically attracted or even develop any kind of attraction perforce within such a short span of time !
Everyone says how important it is to have a degree of attraction to the person you want to marry but how can one be physically attracted or even develop any kind of attraction perforce within such a short span of time !
40 Ways To Keep Your Husband's Love, —Guaranteed—
1- Make sure you make a new meal every day. No leftovers.
2- Always wear something that "makes him happy" when he gets home.
3- Your husband is your life, make sure you treat him like a god.
4- Don't be a bossy, nagging little witch. It helps no one. Esp you.
5- Be very generous to him. Always make sure he gets the last pizza slice and stuff.
6- Remember his lap is your seat. A quick jump here and there to shower him with kisses works best.
7- Avoid anger.
8- Look good for him and smell great. Clothing is optional!
9- Don’t be rigid, understand he works with idiots all day long and doesn't want to be nagged as soon as he enters the door. Be flexible at all times.
10- Be a good woman, understand he is a bad listener and doesn't care.
11- Accept that is will is law and never argue.
12- Never ever call your husband any gay ass names. He is a man, treat him as such.
13- Surprise him repeatedly, focus on the bed room and the lack of clothing.
14- Use more tongue
15- Accept him shortcomings/ everyone has a few hundred
16- Show that you appreciate him by making sure he is satisfied in all aspects. No need to list them they are common sense.
17- Don't be a ***** to his mom.
18- Don't be a motormouth. Give him some peace and quiet at home as soon as he comes home.
19- Don't ***** about him to your girlfriends
20- Again make sure the bed
21- Get rid of the same old routine once in a while, scrub the rust. Make the bedroom far more exciting
22- Make sure you think good things of him and then do good things. Actions are better than thoughts esp if they don't involve clothing,
23- Ignore all of the words/actions you don’t like
24- Be more than patient. Be a little pixie.
25- Act jealous. Don't act crazy.
26- Be humble and a freak.
27- Don’t put a price on his happiness.
28- Don't boss him around the house.
29- You better love his mother!
30- Show him how ideal a wife you are in the bed room, kitchen and infront of others (The last two are not sexually oriented you sick sick people).
31- You better pray for him and his family or you will go to hell for being a bad wife.
32- Don't bring his past, even if an ex-girlfriends shows up. That **** is buried. Let it stay there.
33- Don’t demand favours for nothing in return.
34- Learn to compromise. Specifically when you are right.
35- Make food he likes and don't complain about him not dieting and what not. You live only once.
36- He is your husband. Treat him like Romeo, Brad Pitt and Winston Churchill all rolled in to one.
37- Lady on the street - freak in the bed. Words to live by.
38- Don’t hold grudges. No silent treatment. No whining or moaning.
39- Avoid being harsh hearted and moody.
40- Respect him and his mom. They are all there is in your world.
2- Always wear something that "makes him happy" when he gets home.
3- Your husband is your life, make sure you treat him like a god.
4- Don't be a bossy, nagging little witch. It helps no one. Esp you.
5- Be very generous to him. Always make sure he gets the last pizza slice and stuff.
6- Remember his lap is your seat. A quick jump here and there to shower him with kisses works best.
7- Avoid anger.
8- Look good for him and smell great. Clothing is optional!
9- Don’t be rigid, understand he works with idiots all day long and doesn't want to be nagged as soon as he enters the door. Be flexible at all times.
10- Be a good woman, understand he is a bad listener and doesn't care.
11- Accept that is will is law and never argue.
12- Never ever call your husband any gay ass names. He is a man, treat him as such.
13- Surprise him repeatedly, focus on the bed room and the lack of clothing.
14- Use more tongue
15- Accept him shortcomings/ everyone has a few hundred
16- Show that you appreciate him by making sure he is satisfied in all aspects. No need to list them they are common sense.
17- Don't be a ***** to his mom.
18- Don't be a motormouth. Give him some peace and quiet at home as soon as he comes home.
19- Don't ***** about him to your girlfriends
20- Again make sure the bed
21- Get rid of the same old routine once in a while, scrub the rust. Make the bedroom far more exciting
22- Make sure you think good things of him and then do good things. Actions are better than thoughts esp if they don't involve clothing,
23- Ignore all of the words/actions you don’t like
24- Be more than patient. Be a little pixie.
25- Act jealous. Don't act crazy.
26- Be humble and a freak.
27- Don’t put a price on his happiness.
28- Don't boss him around the house.
29- You better love his mother!
30- Show him how ideal a wife you are in the bed room, kitchen and infront of others (The last two are not sexually oriented you sick sick people).
31- You better pray for him and his family or you will go to hell for being a bad wife.
32- Don't bring his past, even if an ex-girlfriends shows up. That **** is buried. Let it stay there.
33- Don’t demand favours for nothing in return.
34- Learn to compromise. Specifically when you are right.
35- Make food he likes and don't complain about him not dieting and what not. You live only once.
36- He is your husband. Treat him like Romeo, Brad Pitt and Winston Churchill all rolled in to one.
37- Lady on the street - freak in the bed. Words to live by.
38- Don’t hold grudges. No silent treatment. No whining or moaning.
39- Avoid being harsh hearted and moody.
40- Respect him and his mom. They are all there is in your world.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
24 Ways to Brighten Your Morning
The Wake-Up Routine
The morning is probably no one's favorite part of the day, particularly if you stayed up the night before to watch Leno orJaws for the seventeenth time. Remember: Stress and anxiety wreak havoc on your immunity. Enter your day happy and relaxed, and you greatly increase your chances of a healthy, productive day.1. Go to sleep with your blinds or curtains halfway open. That way, the natural light of the rising sun will send a signal to your brain to slow its production of melatonin and bump up its production of adrenaline, a signal that it's time to wake up. When the alarm goes off, you'll already be half awake. Even better: Go to bed early enough so that waking up when the sun shines through your window still gives you the recommended seven hours of shut-eye. If you maintain this routine, it's likely that you can start relying on your biological clock rather than an alarm clock.
2. Set your alarm 15 minutes earlier. This way, you don't have to jump out of bed and rush through your morning. You can begin your morning by lying in bed, slowly waking up. Stretching. Listening to the news headlines. Mentally clicking off what you're going to wear, what you're going to do, what you're going to have for breakfast. It's just as important to prepare yourself mentally as physically for your day. These few minutes in bed, before anyone else is up, are all yours.
3. Stretch every extremity for 15 seconds. Try this even before you open your eyes. Lift your arm and begin by stretching each finger, then your hand, then your wrist, then your arm. Then move on to the other arm. Then your toes, feet, ankles, and legs. Finally, end with a neck and back stretch that propels you out of the bed. You've just limbered up your muscles and joints and enhanced the flow of blood through your body, providing an extra shot of oxygen to all your tissues.
4. Stick a chair in the shower and sit in it. Use one of those plastic chairs you can buy at any hardware store. Let it warm up under the spray for a minute, then sit in it and let the spray beat on your back. It's simultaneously relaxing and energizing, like getting a water massage. After a couple of minutes, you can swing the chair out of the way and commence with washing.
5. Read a motivational quote every morning. This can provide a frame for the day, a sort of self-talk that keeps you motivated in the right direction as opposed to the negative thinking of the morning news. Another option: Use a motivational mantra that provides a meditation-like burst, or read or recite a poem that helps you focus. A good one to use: Rudyard Kipling's "If."
6. Take a vitamin. Keep a multivitamin out on the kitchen counter right by the coffeepot so you remember to take one every morning. More than 20 years of research led to a major recommendation in one of the country's premier medical journals suggesting that every American take a multivitamin as part of a healthy lifestyle.
7. Eschew any decisions. For truly relaxing mornings, reduce the number of choices and decisions you make to zero. Go about this two ways: First, make your morning decisions the night before: what clothes to wear, what breakfast to eat, what route to take to work, and so on. Second, routinize as much of your morning as possible. Really, there's no need to vary your breakfast, timetable, or bathroom ritual from one morning to the next.
8. Cuddle with your kids. Few things are more stressful in the morning than waking up an overtired fifth grader or a snoring high schooler. Yet this is one of the few times you can catch your child still vulnerable. Sit on his bed and gently smooth his hair as you softly waken him. Or, if you're dealing with a very young child, lie beside him and gently hug him awake. Such a moment will send a quiet surge of joy through your entire day and will become all too rare in all too short a time.
9. Spend 5 to 10 minutes each morning listening to music or sitting on the deck or porch just thinking. This allows the creative thinking that takes place during the night to gel and form into a plan of action, grounding you for the day.
10. Wake to the smell of coffee. Really great coffee. Buy the absolute best coffee you can afford -- fresh beans are preferred -- and put twice the amount you've been using into your coffee maker, the one you bought specifically because it has an alarm that can be set to start brewing times. The strong scent of strong coffee will pull you out of bed like a fishhook in the back of your pajamas. Plus, if you're going the caffeine route, morning is the best time for it. Caffeine is a central nervous system stimulant that acts in many ways like other stimulant drugs such as amphetamines, waking you up and increasing your muscular activity. Even better: A study of 18 men found that caffeine improved clear-headedness, happiness, and calmness, as well as the men's ability to perform on attention tests and to process information and solve problems.
11. Brush your tongue for one minute. There's no better way to rid yourself of morning breath and begin your day minty fresh and clean. After all, more than 300 types of bacteria take up residence in your mouth every night. You think a quick brush over the teeth is going to vanquish them all?
12. Take a baby aspirin. There. You've just significantly reduced your risk of a heart attack. In one study of 220,000 doctors, those who took an aspirin every day for five years slashed their heart attack risk nearly in half. Of course, check with your doctor first to make sure this is okay for you.
Stay Organized and Healthy
13. Use real sugar in your coffee, or drink a cup of orange juice. When researchers at the University of Virginia tested the memories of healthy 60- to 80-year-olds, they found those who had a small amount of sugar in the morning (the experimenters compared sweetened to unsweetened lemonade) even before breakfast had better memory recall that day on into the following day. We're talking small amounts, however, about a teaspoon or less; so put down that doughnut.14. Check your morning calendar. This is the large calendar or white board you've hung in a prominent position in your kitchen. On it, you write everything you need to know for that particular day, from kids' activities to whether the guy is coming to service the furnace to whether it's time to pay bills. Check it out carefully while you sip that first cup of coffee or morning tea; it will help you structure your day in your mind and avoid the stressful effects of forgetting something important.
15. Swallow 500 mg of calcium citrate. Your body is better at absorbing this form of calcium than the other commonly used form, calcium carbonate, found in antacids like Tums and Rolaids. You'll need at least another 500 mg before you go to bed.
16. Drink eight ounces of water. You've been fasting all night and you wake each morning dehydrated.
17. Create a checklist for your kids. If you don't have kids, skip this one. But if you do, this is a biggie. To cut down on morning chaos, hang a white board in the hallway or kitchen and list all the things that must be done before the kids can leave: brush teeth, eat breakfast, get backpack together, make bed, and so on. Have them check off or erase each item once it's completed. You can do the same thing with lists printed out from your computer. Set aconsequence: If all items aren't checked off 5 minutes before you need to leave, there's no TV, PlayStation, dessert, or computer time that night.
18. Keep a wicker basket for yourself and each child by the front or back door. Into it go your keys, wallet, purse, and the child's backpack, papers, gloves, hats, etc. This will prevent that frantic last-minute scouring of the house as you look for lost items.
19. Split up in the morning. That means you use one bathroom and your partner uses another. Even if you are still madly in love, bathroom time should be private time. It makes for a calmer, less stressful start to your day.
20. Wash more efficiently. We spend an average of about 12 minutes in the shower. That's fine when you're preparing for date night. But in the morning, you need to get in and out quickly. If you're not into showering the night before (we do understand about bed head) try using two-in-one products like a cleanser that both cleans and moisturizes or a combination shampoo and conditioner. When you wash your body, just hit the hot spots, i.e., your groin and underarms. Everything else can just be rinsed off. The health benefit: reducing stress by saving time.
21. Prepare an emergency outfit in your closet. Include socks, jewelry, hose, etc., so on those mornings when you sleep through the alarm or simply need an extra 10 minutes, you can just pluck it off the hanger and go.
22. Dry more efficiently. Start with an oversized, 100 percent cotton bath sheet for maximum blotting. Towel-dry your hair and let it air-dry while you do your makeup or put on your underwear. Then, if you use a blow-dryer, make it a high-energy one, at least 1,600 watts. Anything else is just wasting precious time.
23. Hop on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Studies find that people who work out in the morning are more likely to stick with their exercise regimen because they get it out of the way and don't have all day to come up with diversions and excuses. Plus, you will produce endorphins that will last most of the day.
24. Kiss all the people you love in your house (including the dog and cat) before you leave. Connecting with the ones you love soothes stress and provides you with a positive start to your day, as well as keeping you focused on what's really important says therapist Barbara Bartlein, L.C.S.W., author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 125 Strategies for a Happy Marriage.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Married, With Money
The income from the wife's business, which she had started before they married, was modest, but it was just enough to limit the amount of aid the son could receive. The husband wanted her to incorporate to reduce their income, thereby allowing the son to qualify for more aid. She didn't want to go through the complicated incorporation process, but felt pressured by her husband. "He was saying, 'I'm entitled to do what I want because I'm making the money that pays the bills,'" recalls Greenberg. "That kind of thinking undermines a relationship."
Much of this type of animosity can be avoided if only couples would talk about money before they get married, says Mary Claire Allvine, a certified financial planner in Chicago and Atlanta and co-author of The 7 Most Important Money Decisions You'll Ever Make. Without this talk, it's unlikely that couples have an actual plan for their lives together.
Studies have shown that disagreements over money are the No. 1 cause of friction in a marriage. And for some, they're the No. 1 reason for divorce.
So why can some couples weather financial ups and downs while others split over a household budget? The key to success is to find the common ground -- the shared values about how, as partners, you want to live your lives together. Here are some tips for executing a money plan without losing the passion.
Think big and put it in buckets. After couples have paid their fixed expenses, they often find themselves disagreeing over how to spend what's left -- pay off the credit cards or get that HDTV one of them has been craving.
To avoid such clashes, talk about your dreams. Allvine's research says couples who don't get bogged down with day-to-day budgeting details are usually the most successful with their money. "You can't say to the spender, 'Okay, you can only spend $50 a month.' It's like putting people on a diet where they can last for a while but then they just binge and eat a loaf of bread. The spender will say, 'I'll cut back.' And then they start cutting out the extra cup of coffee. But it's rarely the coffee that puts them in debt. It's the home they can't afford or the car they shouldn't be driving."
Allvine recommends sorting your big dreams -- starting a business, owning a home, saving for a vacation -- into categories, or buckets. "When you name the bucket, you know what that money is for, and you won't use it for anything else. That's how couples get to their goals -- they pay themselves first for the big things."
Everyone needs the prenup talk. As today's couples marry later, or remarry, they face big challenges combining resources. One spouse may bring children from a previous marriage; another might be caring for elderly parents. The new-think says, rich or not, you may need a prenuptial agreement. "It makes sense to think things through early on," says Mellody Hobson, president of Ariel Capital Management in Chicago.
But Carrie Schwab-Pomerantz, co-author, with her father, Charles Schwab, of It Pays to Talk, has a different take: "Not everyone needs to sign a prenup document -- but everyone should have the prenup conversation."
The point, says Schwab-Pomerantz, is to get an idea of each other's money personality. "If someone has a lot of debt, that can reflect some personality issues that his or her partner needs to know about. How you deal with money is a reflection of who you are as a person."
Put your goals on paper. "When a couple can agree on their spending," says nationally syndicated radio talk-show host Dave Ramsey, "then they have agreed on their fears, and their goals. We don't really fight about money. We are fighting about priorities, fears and power. A plan on paper brings a level of promise and cooperation and unity."
Ramsey also recommends scheduling regular money meetings to talk about expenses. "It's all about being open and on the same page. There are no secret credit cards, no secret debt, no secret student loans. No deception. It's a matter of understanding what the expenses are. How much do we have to spend on birthdays? What about the groceries and cable bills, the soccer expenses? Life starts to show up in a real way when you talk about it in a meeting and put it on paper."
Take a hike. How and where you discuss your finances is critical to keeping the peace, says Schwab-Pomerantz. "You want to make sure both parties are in a comfortable, neutral place. It's also important to know ahead of time what you're going to talk about."
Schwab-Pomerantz and her husband hike every weekend in the mountains near their home in the San Francisco Bay area. "We're away from our kids. We're not sitting there facing each other, which can become confrontational. We can't get mad and walk to another room. It's just the two of us, and we get a lot of conversation in there about our goals and our priorities in life."
Get it together. Financial independence is empowering, but many counselors say that living separate financial lives imperils a marriage. "Having his and her money is a recipe for disaster," advises Greenberg. "That says one person is taking care only of herself or himself."
The joint account sends a powerful message that your marriage matters. The account should be for joint goals: building a reserve fund, saving for college. A shared account, however, shouldn't cancel out individual accounts.
Managing your money together may not seem like a romantic venture, says Greenberg. "But if there is a good financial foundation, there are a lot fewer issues for strife."
As for the couple seeking financial-aid advice from Greenberg, they left his office, smiling, after he proposed a novel solution. The path to financial happiness is clear: communicate and plan together.
How To Save Your Marriage
There was a time when you would have given your life for your spouse. But no more. Now you are wondering whether it is even possible to save your marriage. This report looks at why marriages fail and what you can do to save yours if that is your desired course of action.
The theme of this report is that you can sometimes do everything “right” according to the experts but still end up failing. Or, you can do things unconventionally and actually save your marriage.
You should know that if you handle the marriage crisis badly, you significantly increase your chances of ending up divorced.
Divorce Statistics
That’s why there will be 1 million divorces in the United States this year. Some people like to point out that the divorce rate is actually declining, however slightly. But this is actually a misnomer. The divorce rate per 10,000 people has gone from 42 per 10,000 people to 36 per 10,000 people in this decade. However - and this is important - the number of married people in this time period have declined significantly. Today, 8.1 percent of households consist of unmarried heterosexual couples.
Sweden has the highest percentage of new marriages that end in divorce at almost 55 percent. In the U.S., the chance of a marriage ending in divorce is 45.8 percent. For comparison, in India, that figure stands at just 1.1 percent.
Second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. The theory is that people who haven’t succeeded once are more likely to make mistakes again. In any case, the divorce rate in America for first marriages is 41 percent. That jumps to 60 percent for second marriages and 73 percent for third marriages.
The age at which people get married also impacts the likelihood of success. One third of women who get married before they are 24 will end up divorced. However, only 5 percent of women who get married for the first time after age 35 will get divorced. However, the number of women who get married for the first time after 35 is quite small.
Why Marriages Fail
Top 10 Reasons Why Marriages Fail
#10 - Not Doing the Little Things - Movies shows marriages as grand loves. But, in the real world, marriages are made up of the little things - taking out the trash, picking up the kids from school. If there are frustrations over the little things, it can erode the whole marriage.
# 9 - Sweating the small stuff - As a counterpoint, if you stress out over unimportant things, you are dooming your marriage to the dumpster.
#8 - Spending too much time apart - If friends, work, or hobbies take too much time away from your marriage, the bonds can begin to erode.
#7 - Criticizing and nagging - These two things can eat away at the soul of a marriage.
#6 - Not consulting the other person about purchases - The family budget must cover the family needs. If one person makes purchases that significantly impact the overall budget without consulting the other person, there is going to be hurt and anger.
#5 - Letting yourself go - You spent a considerable amount of effort pursuing and attracting your spouse. That effort shouldn’t have ended on your wedding day or soon thereafter. If you are no longer working to make yourself attractive to your spouse, you must assume that he or she will look elsewhere.
#4 - Playing the victim - Is it always his fault? Did she make you do it? If you feel like you are the victim in the relationship, it probably won’t last much longer.
#3 - Not fighting fair - You are entitled to your legitimate feelings, but when disagreements occur, you must keep your arguments real and relevant. Avoid character assassination. Remain task oriented rather than accusatory. And, allow your partner to retreat with dignity.
#2 - Spilling secrets - There are things in your marriage that should only be between the two of you. When you tell your friends or family members about things that shouldn’t be shared, you erode the bonds of the marriage. This is a matter of trust.
#1 - No sex - When the sex has gone out of the marriage, the relationship is in trouble. Unless you can rekindle the flame, you are probably headed to divorce court.
You can be both “right” and “miserable”
Too often we think that it’s important to be right. But, it is possible to be both right and miserable.
Susan’s husband Jim had an affair with a colleague after she miscarried. Now, admittedly, this was a crummy thing to do.
Susan was devastated by the loss of the baby and had real concerns that she would never be able to have a child. As a result of her physical and emotional condition, she withdrew sexually.
Jim, too, was affected by the miscarriage. He felt that he had to comfort Susan and couldn’t turn to her for support. Instead, he found a sexually attractive woman at work who did not need him emotionally for anything.
Susan is obviously “right” to be outraged that Jim would cheat on her at this low part of her life. But, being the martyr doesn’t help her be happy.
Jim has apologized and said that he would do anything to make the situation right.
Now Susan has to decide whether to forgive him and heal their marriage. As long as she clings to the idea that she is the “wronged” party, she will be miserable. If she can give up that idea, she has a chance at making her marriage work. The ball is actually in her court.
Susan will never forget the miscarriage or the affair that happened after it. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness means letting go of the intense emotions associated with the event.
This is very important, read this several times: forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision.
Whatever the rift that has come between you and your spouse, if you want to make the marriage work, you have to let go of all of the hurt. Make peace. Make up. Make love.
The Walk Away Wife Syndrome
Any divorce lawyer will tell you that he gets a certain amount of male clients who come in stunned that they have been served with divorce papers. “Everything was just perfect,” they will say, “and then she decided to divorce me.” These men are genuinely stunned at what has happened to them. In fact, they believe that their marriage has only gotten better in recent times.
The reason that divorce lawyers see this all of the time is because there is a pattern to the behavior. Some therapists have called it the “Walk Away Wife Syndrome.”
In the early stages of most relationships, the wife is the emotional caretaker. It falls to her to initiate conversations about “where this relationship is going” and “how can we improve intimacy.” The man is bored with these subjects and relegates them to the female arena.
So, the woman will initiate conversations (sometimes this will look and feel if the husband is not responsive). The wife complains about the husband’s lack of responsiveness, at which point he retreats. This makes the woman bring up the conversation anew.
As you can imagine, there are a lot of fights during this period.
At some point, the woman gives up. She stops her role as emotional caretaker. She starts looking for a way out of the marriage. If she has children, she will be especially cautious about finding a way to financially support them.
The ironic thing is that during this period, the fights will subside. The wife has given up, so there is no reason to engage the husband any longer. The husband sees this lull in fighting as meaning that things are improving.
Once the wife has figured out how to proceed with her life emotionally and financially, she serves her husband with divorce papers. This is when the guy walks into a divorce lawyer’s office and says “everything was going just perfectly…”
The point here is that when you stop fighting, things haven’t necessarily improved. In fact, this could be the most dangerous point of a relationship. Men who are too clueless to know that their wife has withdrawn from the relationship are often surprised when it ends.
How to Deal With the Walk Away Wife Syndrome If You Are A Man
If you are a man who has been surprised by a divorce when you thought everything was going fine, you have to find a way to reengage your wife.
First of all, you have to acknowledge that her needs were not being met, even if yours were.
Secondly, you need to realize that she has the right to walk away. Almost every state in the U.S. has some form of “no fault” divorce, though it can be called by other names. That means that you can’t control her behavior. You can only change your own.
Once you have addressed the fact that she had needs you weren’t meeting and that she has the personal power to walk away, you can formulate a plan of action.
Think back to the fights you used to have. What was she complaining about? Are there things you can do to meet the needs that she was constantly bringing up?
At this point, it is possible to bring her back to the marriage, but she has to see real engagement by you. And, you can’t delay. Sure, you are surprised and hurt, but if you see this as a wake up call rather than an attack, you may be able to save your marriage.
Later in this report, I will suggest that marriage counseling is not always the answer. But, I do recommend that if you have a Walk Away Wife on your hands, you might want to suggest counseling. This is not to say that the counseling itself will be particularly helpful, but your openness to change will be well received.
At that point, you need to start listening to what her needs are and meeting them. That means paying attention to her. It also means pursuing her with romantic abandon again. You may have to make modifications to your career and other aspects of your life to win her back. And, once you have won her back, you need to know that if you don’t continue to meet her needs, she can walk away again.
If you are a man in this situation, consider it a wake up call.
If You are a Walk Away Wife
If you have decided to divorce your husband, you have probably put a lot of thought into the decision. You have invested emotional energy in the separation. You probably decided that there was no hope a long time ago and have started building a separate life.
If your husband starts to treat the divorce as a wake up call to save the marriage, you have another decision to make. Namely, are you willing to try again?
Think about why you married your husband in the first place. Is there any residue of that left? Are there things you will miss about the relationship if you leave? If he changes some aspects of his behavior, would it make you want to stay?
Or, have you changed so much from the bride you were on your wedding day that moving forward without him seems to be the only course of action?
If he does take the divorce papers as a wake up call, what are the things he needs to say and do to make things right? Is he capable of long term change?
He may suggest marriage counseling. This is indicative that he is willing to put effort into the marriage which is a very good thing. But you should be aware that marriage counseling probably won’t always save the marriage. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go along with it. It just means that you have to have a second course of action.
You need to state what you need in order to stay in the marriage and have a specific action-oriented agenda. It is probably more effective to say “you need to be home every night by 6:30 and take me out on a date once a week” than to say, “let’s spend an hour in counseling every week.”
Let him know that if you get back into the marriage, he’s on probation. You reserve the right to walk again if he goes back to his old ways.
Will he be able to keep up the good behavior? Only time will tell. But if he does see the divorce papers as a wake up call, you have a good reason to give the marriage one more shot.
Marriage Counseling - The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
When a marriage is in trouble, friends will almost immediately suggest that you get marriage counseling. I’ve hinted earlier that this might not always be such a good idea.
The history of marriage counseling is quite informative about why it is as ineffective as it is. In fact, only 20 percent of people who enter marriage counseling say it had a positive effect on their marriage.
Most counselors are trained therapists with a master’s or doctorate in psychology. But it wasn’t always like this.
In fact, up until the 1960s, psychologists considered it unethical to treat a married couple together. They thought that the fiduciary relationship between a therapist and a patient could only extend to one person.
Since therapists did not do marriage counseling, who did? Marriage counseling was largely the role of professional clergy with educators and gynecologists picking up some of the slack.
Until the late 1960s, the model for marriage counseling, whether in a pastoral sense or in therapy, was saving the marriage at almost any cost. To this end, many issues were either not addressed or pushed under the carpet. Women were largely held to be responsible for the problems in the relationship. Domestic violence was tolerated.
But, in the 1960s, two trends converged that have continued to affect the marriage therapy model today. The first was that therapists began to change their ethical code to allow couple’s therapy. The second was that therapy itself shifted to an individualist mode.
In the 1960s, a new breed of therapist developed. Until that time, psychologists and psychiatrists largely practiced the Freudian based analytical model of long term talk based therapy. This meant that only the very wealthy could afford therapy.
But when Cognitive Behavioral therapy started, patients could be treated in a much shorter period of time.
And, instead of requiring the years put into a doctorate degree, therapists could instead receive a Master’s if all they wanted to practice was marriage and family therapy.
In fact, this new breed of therapists were called “Marriage, Family, and Child Therapists” or “Marriage and Family Counselors” depending on the state. Initially, they were supposed to treat couples and families.
However, over time, the model shifted. A “Marriage and Family Counselor’s” practice consists of 95% individual and group mental illness therapy. They are trained to be individual therapists and get very little instruction in couple’s counseling despite their formal title.
Couple this with the trend toward the individual, mental health approach to therapy. Often, the marriage counselor’s first recommendation is that the parties get individual counseling and come back for marriage counseling only when their dysfunctions have been addressed by other therapists.
Additionally, these therapists, as a whole, do not believe that most marriages are automatically worth saving. They are more geared to maximizing the happiness of one patient rather than saving the family unit.
So, if you are committed to saving your marriage if at all possible, who do you go to for marriage counseling?
If you have friends who have had trouble in their marriage and have found a therapist who was truly helpful, ask for a referral.
If you don’t know anyone who has successfully tried marriage counseling and you want to give it a shot, don’t be afraid to interview several therapists to find a good fit. Ask them how frequently they do marriage (as opposed to individual or group) counseling, what their stand toward marriage is, and what their specific approach to saving marriage is.
You may be able to find a therapist who specializes in saving marriage rather than mental health therapy. Some of the professionals who specialize in this area do retreats, seminars, and “boot camps” that provide insight into your marriage as well.
Pastoral counseling is also worth considering if you are religious. Many clergy are committed to the idea of the sanctity of marriage and work from the premise that unless there are terrible things happening in the relationship (such as domestic violence, alcoholism, or serial adultery), the marriage can be saved.
How to Survive an Affair
Earlier in this report, I introduced you to Jim and Susan. Jim had an affair after Susan had a miscarriage. Is there any hope for a relationship when one party has had an affair?
Actually, there is, particularly if there was only one other man or woman and the offending party is committed to change. Relationships that feature serial adultery have a harder time surviving.
The initial reaction to a spouse having an affair is shock and blame. It is such a violation of the marital vows that one cannot help but being hurt and angry.
But, it is important to move beyond the initial reaction. This is true whether you are going to end the marriage or whether you are going to work on improving it.
You should know that things can improve. In fact, the affair may have been the symptom of much more fundamental problems in the relationship. This is not to say that the affair was a good thing by any means, but you can turn the hurt and pain into making a stronger marriage. A mended bone is stronger at the broken place.
If you are the person who was cheated on, you are going to want details. Part of this is a morbid curiosity. Another part is because you need to know “why.”
Sometimes the “why” isn’t always clear? If your spouse is something of an emotional cripple, he or she may not be able to articulate why they went astray.
Instead, you need to focus on what is lacking in your marriage and how you want to move forward.
You need to take responsibility for the negative things you have contributed to the relationship. This does not, however, mean that the affair was your fault. Nobody can force someone else into an affair. The person who cheated must take full responsibility for the violation of the relationship. They could have said no. They could have presented you with the need for you to change. Instead, they snuck out behind your back.
If the relationship is to be rebuilt, the offending spouse must have true regret and remorse. He or she has to completely cut the person with whom they had the affair out of their life. If this means making painful choices such as changing jobs or moving, this must be a prerequisite for going forward.
But, once the straying spouse has come to terms with the consequences of the affair, both spouses have to rebuild the marriage. One of the fundamental things that must be done is to rebuild the friendship that you share.
The key to healing is forgiveness. You have to stop blaming your spouse for having the affair and move on. You have to see tomorrow as a clean slate.
How to Know When To Leave a Marriage
Not all marriages can be saved. Specifically, if any of the three “A”s have occurred, you would probably be wise to leave the relationship. These are:
Abuse - Any physical violence and severe emotional abuse are grounds for divorce at all times.
Alcoholism - If your spouse is a chronic alcoholic, you are not going to be able to get the love and support you need. If he or she won’t get treatment, you have no obligation to stay.
Adultery (chronic) - You can recover from one affair. But, if your spouse is a player, you have every right to leave.
But, there are times when the problems in the marriage are not clear cut. You may believe that you would be better off single or with someone else but aren’t sure that you are right to end the marriage.
Consider whether you have a true partnership in your marriage. For instance, have you been required to put aside the goals you have set for yourself? Are you isolated from your friends and family? Are you limited in what you can do for entertainment because of the demands of your spouse?
Have you had to change your belief system? Do you have to constantly nag to get what you want and need? Do you make excuses for your spouse’s behavior? Do you feel that you have to walk on eggshells?
If you worry constantly over the problems in your relationship, you may be considering divorce.
These are real issues. And many partners are unwilling to address them.
If you are considering divorce but would rather have a change in behavior from your spouse, you can:
Do an intervention - Tell your spouse that you are going to leave unless. Be prepared to really leave if he or she won’t change.
Seek outside help - While I am leery of most individual-oriented therapists, I do know that outside help can save marriages. Suggest attending a marriage retreat or some other function where you can discuss your problems. They may have a different suggestion from the one you proposed, but if they are unwilling to work on the marriage at all, you must be prepared to leave.
Leave - This is what happens in walk away marriages, but you can also leave if you are not 100 percent committed to divorce. Physically separating yourself from your spouse puts them on notice that things have to change or the relationship is history.
Stay - If you are not prepared to walk away from the marriage, you have no power. As long as your partner doesn’t have to change and things will stay as they are, inertia will take over. You can’t force your partner to do anything including to meet your needs. You have power over only your own behavior. If you are not willing to change your situation, you should be prepared to accept it.
Conclusion
There is hope for a dying marriage. But, the solution is not the commonly given one (six sessions of couple’s counseling with a Marriage and Family Therapist). Instead, one person has to show the other one that change is necessary for the survival of the relationship.
At that point, both parties have to be willing to address the underlying issue that they are both responsible for problems in the relationship. Both parties have to be willing to change. Marital strife and dissatisfaction is NEVER the result of one spouse’s behavior alone.
If you are going to work things out, you need to realize that connection, not communication, is at the heart of saving the marriage. You can improve your communication skills and just end up a better fighter!
Instead, you need to rekindle what is good about your relationship. Most people end up at the altar because they wanted to build a life with the other person. You need to get back to the person you were on your wedding day.
That means that you must spend time together. You should plan on having some time every day that is just for the two of you. This could be having a 20 minute breakfast before the kids get up, taking a walk after dinner every day, or just putting aside the last 20 minutes before you go to sleep to reconnect.
Then, you have to put the romance into your life on a frequent basis. Schedule a “date night” every week. Try to woo your spouse all over again. Think dinner and dancing not dinner and a movie - the former will give you a chance to get in touch with your feelings while the latter has you sitting in silence.
When you “go out” on your “date,” get ready for it like you lived in separate houses. You can even go as far as getting dressed in separate rooms. And, you should make an effort when you dress, just like you did when you were dating.
Do the little “dating” things as well. Men should consider bringing their wives flowers from time to time, holding her car door, and act with general courtesy.
These date nights don’t have to be expensive, but they do have to allow the two of you to reconnect.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the subject of sex. There is a reason why sex is tied in so closely with marriage in every society. You need to be having regular, frequent, satisfactory sex. If this element is missing from your relationship, make every effort to remedy the problem forthwith.
At its root, no marriage is perfect because no person is perfect. But marriage can be a good and satisfying institution for both spouses and for the children of the relationship. This requires work and love.
50 Ways to Woo Your Lover
So you want to do something special for your beloved, but you're stumped for ideas. Whether you want a gesture that's creative, outrageous, affordable, quick or classic, we've got the answer.
Creative
Looking for some fun ways to add romance to your relationship? Try these creative romance tips:
Give your lover a dozen roses -- and do it with a creative twist. Give eleven red roses and one white rose. Attach a note that reads: "In every bunch there's one who stands out -- and you are that one."
Fake a power outage at home. (Loosen the fuses or throw the breaker switches.) With no TV to tempt you . . . with no computer to occupy you . . . with no furnace to heat you . . . you pretty much have no choice but to get out the candles, huddle around the fireplace and be romantic!
Get your partner a wristwatch. Inscribe it with: "I always have time for you."
Attach a $100 bill to a Victoria's Secret catalog, along with a note to him saying, "You choose."
Identify that one pivotal event that brought the two of you together. Celebrate that event every year.
Practice even-day/odd-day romance: On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.
Following a bubble bath you've prepared for her, wrap her in a towel that you've warmed up in the dryer.
Write your partner a love letter or poem on one sheet of paper. Glue it to thin cardboard, cut it up into puzzle-shaped pieces, then mail all the pieces. Or, mail one puzzle piece per day!
Remove all the paper strips (that say "Kisses" on them) from a couple hundred Hershey's Kisses. Fill a jewelry box with them. Wrap 'em up and present them to your partner. Write a certificate explaining that the slips are coupons redeemable for one kiss each.
Doesn't your partner deserve a trophy for being the "World's Best Lover"? Trophy shops have a wealth of ideas waiting for you. Just think of the romantic possibilities of plaques, medals, ribbons, nameplates, certificates and banners. And they all can be personalized, engraved, lettered or monogrammed.
Outrageous
To make a big impression, consider these outrageous romance tips:
Visit a karaoke bar and surprise your lover by getting up and singing "your song" to him/her.
Kidnap her! Blindfold her. Drive her around town until she's thoroughly lost. Then reveal your destination: Her favorite restaurant, or maybe a romantic inn.
Make a GIANT greeting card out of a big cardboard box, (such as the type used to pack a refrigerator).
Does your partner love M&M's? Fill a one-gallon glass jar with them as a gift.
Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal? Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!
Call your partner from work, every-hour-on-the-hour, just to say "I love you."
Slow-dance at a restaurant -- when there's no music playing.
It's romantic -- but commonplace -- to eat dinner by candlelight. So here's a change of pace: Eat breakfast by candlelight.
Take your lover on a surprise two-week vacation to Paris.
Many couples have "His" and "Hers" matching towels, but here are some other ideas: "His" and "Hers" matching silk pajamas, motorcycles, T-shirts, overnight bags (have them packed at all times), jack-o'-lanterns at Halloween, rocking chairs, Porsches (millionaires need love, too), heart-shaped tattoos, Christmas tree ornaments, tennis rackets, beach towels.
Affordable
Short on cash but big on love? Try these affordable romance tips:
Spend the entire day watching romantic movies.
If you'd like to spend a romantic summer night making wishes on falling stars, mark the second week in August on your calendar. The earth passes through the Perseid meteor belt around August 12 every year, which usually results in spectacular meteor showers for two to three nights.
Buy a lottery ticket. Give it to your partner with a little note attached: "I hit the jackpot when I married you!"
Pick flowers for your partner from the side of the road.
Write a short note to your lover that's spread out over several postcards, then mail the cards one at a time. You'll build anticipation for the romantic conclusion on the final postcard. (Maybe deliver that last one in person.)
If you're not much of a writer, create an audio love letter. Sit down with a tape recorder and just talk to her for ten minutes. Then giftwrap it and mail it to her.
Don't just go out to a movie on Saturday, like always. Call your partner from work on Wednesday and formally ask for a date.
Call a local radio station and request a special love song to be dedicated to your partner. Make sure he or she is listening!
Make a custom certificate for your lover. (You can get blank certificate forms at a stationery or paper store.) Here are some suggestions: A certificate "For Putting Up With Me Over the Years," an award for "The World's Best Wife," a ribbon "For Hugs & Kisses Above and Beyond the Call of Duty."
Mail your partner a Rolodex card with your name and number on it. Write on it: "Your instant resource for love. Call when lonely."
Quick
If you don't have as much time as you'd like for love, try these swift but sweet romance tips:
Write "I love you" on the bathroom mirror with a piece of soap.
Place a little love note or poem under the driver's-side windshield wiper of his or her car.
Every once in a while, kiss her hand with a flourish. Note: The proper way to kiss a woman's hand is to lower your lips to her hand. You don't raise her hand to your lips.
Have "your song" playing on the stereo when your partner returns home from work.
When out together in public, wink at your partner from across the room.
On your partner's birthday, send a thank-you card to his/her mother.
Unplug the TV. Put a note on the screen saying, "Turn me on instead."
Make a toast to one another every time you hold a wineglass. Make eye contact. Take turns making the toast. Whisper it.
Get the whole "family of products" in the fragrance of her favorite perfume (bath powder, soaps, cremes, candles, etc.)
Call your partner from work for no other reason than to say, "I love you."
Classic
Looking for a tried-and-true method for declaring your love? Consider these classic romance tips:
Spread rose petals all over the bedroom.
What could be more classic than a fine gold locket with your photo inside? (Maybe a photo of the two of you.)
Bring home one small, unexpected gift each week.
Write a classic, romantic, passionate, handwritten, heartfelt love letter. Most adults haven't written a love letter since high school. (Why not? Have we lost our youthful idealism, or have we just gotten lazy?)
When traveling, give your partner a bouquet of roses; one rose for each day that you'll be away. Attach a note that says something like this: "These three roses represent the three days I'll be away from you. They also symbolize the love, joy, and laughter we share together."
Say "I love you" at least three times a day.
Guys: Surprise her by performing one of her chores for her. (And not something easy like carrying the groceries in from the car, but something that requires some time and effort -- like cooking all the meals over a weekend, or cleaning the entire house.)
Ladies: Send him a letter sealed with a kiss. (Use your reddest lipstick.)
Hold hands.
On your yearly romantic checklist, make plans for Valentine's Day -- well in advance!
Faith and Relationships
Do you have questions about pets, parents, partners or office politics? Jeanne Marie Laskas has answers
Q: Because I'm "insensitive" and "mean," my husband of four and a half years has decided to leave me. He still wants us to date each other exclusively in hopes that his love for me will be rekindled. I'm inclined to agree, but my friends think I'm crazy for even considering it. Of course, what they don't get is, unlike him, I never fell out of love. What do I do?
--Sensitive, Really
A: So your husband wants you to re-woo him, to revisit those heady days of courtship? Is that what he means by love? He's dreaming. We can't go backward in relationships despite our longing for the thrill of those earliest, giggly dates. I'm with your friends on this one. Apologize to your husband for anything you did wrong. Then invite him to continue to grow old with you. It's the only option you have to offer.
Q: I had an absentee mom growing up. I'm over any trauma I suffered from that odd relationship. But I'm afraid that when I do decide to start my own family, my kids will wonder, Where's Grandma? How should I tell them that "Grandma" will never be a part of their lives?
--Momless
From Clipart.com
Jeanne Marie Laskas gives advice on faith and relationships.
A: Whoa, listen to yourself, sister! You're worried about how to tell children you don't yet have about shortcomings in their relationship with their grandmother, who isn't a grandmother yet. Imaginary problems such as these are usually hiding real ones. In other words, you're not "over" the trauma of your mother's absence. Do your future kids a big favor: Get some counseling today so you can avoid transferring your childhood burdens to them.
Q: Our new parish priest is tearing our congregation apart. He hounds us to make unnecessary renovations, has a "my way or the highway" attitude, and bullies the choir. Our church has never had such a negative undercurrent. Do we ask the diocese to help resolve our differences, or do we hope he'll just leave when his tenure expires in a year?
--Losing Faith
A: Give peace a chance. Go to the diocese and ask for help, without placing blame. A church is a community, and this one is breaking. Chances are, Father Cranky doesn't want to be cranky. Maybe someone can help you reach out to him.
Q: Please suggest a kind way to let a coworker know that she has severe body odor. The smell is so bad that other coworkers want to mail an anonymous letter to her home. She's a lovely woman, and I don't want to see her humiliated. I just want her to bathe.
--Holding My Breath
A: Ordinarily, I'd say this was a job for your supervisor, but you reveal an uncommon level of kindness, so I'm volunteering you. Nix the anonymous letter; anyone would crumble under the weight of that humiliation. Instead, address her directly and with compassion. Tell her what the problem is. Give her a gift card to a fancy soap store. Tell her about a time when someone pointed out something embarrassing about you. If you can't think of anything, make it up. Let her know you're all in this together.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Now SPY on your cheating spouse's deleted text messages
USB devices that can be used to access SIM card data on a computer are nothing new. But this particular one is apparently the first SIM reader that can be used to access deleted text messages still on the card. Just like deleted files on a PC hard drive, as long as the deleted data on the SIM card hasn’t been written over by a new file, it can still be retrieved.
Obviously such a device raises a whole mess of privacy and legal concerns, but the company is targeting it at parents who want to check up on their kids or bosses wanting to check up on employees, which are apparently both legal uses for it. And while using the device to check up on a suspected cheating spouse is kind of a legal gray area, using it to see what secrets a complete stranger has on their SIM card is of course completely illegal.
The SIM card spy can also be used to backup or edit phonebook data on a PC, which is a considerably easier task with a full keyboard. But at $149 from BrickHouseSecurity.com there are far cheaper USB SIM readers on the market if that’s all you want to do
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Why do women cheat on their men?
Benjamin Franklin once mused that there are three things men are most likely to be cheated in: "A horse, a wig, and a wife." While I'm quite certain Franklin was right on the money about the horse and the wig (although these days it's more likely to be hair plugs or Rograine spray), when it comes to a wife, there is current speculation over who is really at fault.
For centuries, men have been labelled as the home-wreckers, philanderers and the shagging swindlers. After it, it's their biological urge to spread their seed as far and widely as possible, right blokes?
Recent tales like that of Christie Brinkley's sex-addict ex-husband (who screwed his 18-year-old secretary and subscribed to the world's largest Swinger's website despite being married to one of the world's most beautiful women), or Bill Clinton's deluge of ever-growing female mistresses that continue to come out of the woodwork as you read this, doesn't quite help the male reputation either. But nowadays it seems that the philandering tables could be turning, with more women than ever before getting caught doing the dirty behind their man's back ...
If the statistics are anything to go by, 40 per cent of married women cheat which, according to an article published in Newsweek magazine titled "Marriage: The New Infidelity" accounts for a 50 per cent increase in female infidelity. Yet despite more women than ever before thinking it's okay to stray, the story still manages to blame the men, the internet, the workplace and anything but the women themselves for the increase in their philandering ways.
"Overscheduled lives and inattentive husbands," is what the Newsweek article puts down to the growing female cheating trend, with its conclusion being that it's "no wonder more American women are looking for comfort in the arms of another man."
"No wonder"? Is it really "inattentiveness" which drives women into the arms of another man? And since it's the bloke's fault after all, does this mean that it's actually okay for women to stray?
One of the world's best known agony aunts Deidre, who writes for the UK Sun, says she's done extensive research into exactly why women cheat. And after surveying a record 10,000 respondents on their reasons for cheating, her findings aren't too surprising either.
"Some 64 per cent of men said it was because they had the opportunity while 60 per cent of women said it was more exciting and because they wanted someone to talk to," she writes.
Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs (St. Martin's Press), concurs. She also adds that it's a combination of boredom, dull sex and no conversation that pushes women to do it. (Which, once again, seems to be blaming the men, but more on that later.)
Of course what constitutes infidelity is a whole different discussion altogether. Is it lunch with someone from the opposite sex? A clandestine pash at a seedy bar? Or the full nine yards at a cheap motel room during the office lunch break?
If the media is anything to go by, then it doesn't really matter how an affair is defined because modern folks don't believe in monogamy anyway. As Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy (W. W. Norton & Company) told USA Today; "I run across people who think everybody is messing around and something is wrong if they're not doing it, too ... People get the idea from the media that it's a normal thing and anyone not doing it is missing out on life's goodies."
Pop singer Madonna certainly doesn't seem to be missing out on life's goodies since she's reportedly ensconced in a steamy affair with 32-year-old Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez (better known as A-Rod).
And while the affair may be put down to needing to scratch the seven-year-itch that could inevitably be the cause of a marriage breakdown, I'm sure the media will find some way to blame Guy's inattentiveness to the pop starlet for it all ...
For centuries, men have been labelled as the home-wreckers, philanderers and the shagging swindlers. After it, it's their biological urge to spread their seed as far and widely as possible, right blokes?
Recent tales like that of Christie Brinkley's sex-addict ex-husband (who screwed his 18-year-old secretary and subscribed to the world's largest Swinger's website despite being married to one of the world's most beautiful women), or Bill Clinton's deluge of ever-growing female mistresses that continue to come out of the woodwork as you read this, doesn't quite help the male reputation either. But nowadays it seems that the philandering tables could be turning, with more women than ever before getting caught doing the dirty behind their man's back ...
If the statistics are anything to go by, 40 per cent of married women cheat which, according to an article published in Newsweek magazine titled "Marriage: The New Infidelity" accounts for a 50 per cent increase in female infidelity. Yet despite more women than ever before thinking it's okay to stray, the story still manages to blame the men, the internet, the workplace and anything but the women themselves for the increase in their philandering ways.
"Overscheduled lives and inattentive husbands," is what the Newsweek article puts down to the growing female cheating trend, with its conclusion being that it's "no wonder more American women are looking for comfort in the arms of another man."
"No wonder"? Is it really "inattentiveness" which drives women into the arms of another man? And since it's the bloke's fault after all, does this mean that it's actually okay for women to stray?
One of the world's best known agony aunts Deidre, who writes for the UK Sun, says she's done extensive research into exactly why women cheat. And after surveying a record 10,000 respondents on their reasons for cheating, her findings aren't too surprising either.
"Some 64 per cent of men said it was because they had the opportunity while 60 per cent of women said it was more exciting and because they wanted someone to talk to," she writes.
Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs (St. Martin's Press), concurs. She also adds that it's a combination of boredom, dull sex and no conversation that pushes women to do it. (Which, once again, seems to be blaming the men, but more on that later.)
Of course what constitutes infidelity is a whole different discussion altogether. Is it lunch with someone from the opposite sex? A clandestine pash at a seedy bar? Or the full nine yards at a cheap motel room during the office lunch break?
If the media is anything to go by, then it doesn't really matter how an affair is defined because modern folks don't believe in monogamy anyway. As Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy (W. W. Norton & Company) told USA Today; "I run across people who think everybody is messing around and something is wrong if they're not doing it, too ... People get the idea from the media that it's a normal thing and anyone not doing it is missing out on life's goodies."
Pop singer Madonna certainly doesn't seem to be missing out on life's goodies since she's reportedly ensconced in a steamy affair with 32-year-old Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez (better known as A-Rod).
And while the affair may be put down to needing to scratch the seven-year-itch that could inevitably be the cause of a marriage breakdown, I'm sure the media will find some way to blame Guy's inattentiveness to the pop starlet for it all ...
Couples Yoga Will Save Your Ailing Marriage... Or Not
The phrase "spice up your sex life" gets almost 200,000 hits on Google. We're collectively so bored with our longterm significant others that there are several industries and hundreds of self-help books that have sprouted in the chasm left by sexual frustration. The Minneapolis Star Tribune introduces us to yet another activity meant to fill that gaping sex void: couples yoga! "Building intimacy was precisely the goal for Michael and Julie Fink of Plymouth," says the paper. "Married for four years, with three young adult children between them, the Finks saw in yoga date night an opportunity to deepen their relationship."
Deepen their relationship? Really? Through playing what's described as an "an adult version of airplane"? I don't mean to disparage this if it truly works for some couples, but are we really so disconnected, physically and emotionally, from our longtime loves that we need to do some bendy faux-Eastern philosophical shit to relate to each other again?
It reminds me of that episode in My So-Called Life, you know, the one where Patty and Graham go ballroom dancing and it starts out horribly and then it makes them all lovey for a little while and Graham decides not to cheat on Patty? But then when the series ends, he's about to boink Hallie Lowenthal anyway? Yeah, that's kind of my point. If your relationship is in trouble, yoga ain't helping. Though it seems like the airplane thing could be fun.
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