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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Top 10: Embarrassing Jobs

No.10 - Actor

An incredibly small portion of this field actually works and earns money. The odds are laughable, and the self-love people need to even pursue acting is sad. When a person proclaims that they're an actor and others don’t recognize their face, they are looked at like a child stating he’s an astronaut.

Sole perk to the profession: There is no need to wake up early because the unemployment check doesn’t arrive in the mail until noon.

You should tell people you're a: Freelance dramatist.

No.9 - Garbage Man

As a child, riding on the back of a huge, smelly truck might have sounded like fun, but as adults it indicates a serious misstep in life. Often beginning in the very early morning, workers spend their days in clothes that smell like death and pick up the vomit-inducing waste of society.

Sole perk to the profession: Finding rare items that can be taken on Antiques Roadshow and pretending to be Emilio Estevez or Charlie Sheen in Men at Work.

You should tell people you're a: Sanitation engineer

No.8 - Porn Retail

A serious love of masturbation and a serious lack of human contact lead men to become clerks at adult shops. These guys work for minimum wage, sell porn to guys too dumb to download it from the internet, and help giggling bachelorette parties buy penis straws. Let’s not even get into to the clean-up responsibilities in stores with private booths.

Sole perk to the profession: Free pornography and a plethora of interesting stories about customers.

You should tell people you're an: Adult entertainment technical support personnel

No.7 - Street Performer

Why can’t outgoing personalities just let people look at the ground and listen to their iPods? A world where we don’t have to interact has been created for a reason. People don’t want to see magic tricks or hear Sarah McLachlan covers accosting them while they're just trying to get to work. That’s what YouTube is for while we’re at work.

Sole perk to the profession: Checking "entertainer" on tax returns and writing off acoustic guitar strings.

You should tell people you're an: Alfresco entertainer

No.6 - Carny

This job is a punch line in today’s society. Only vagrants, ex-hookers, drug addicts, and ex-cons work in ramshackle traveling carnivals. It allows them to move around without the accusing stares they get when staying still for too long. When your job description reads “teeth optional,” something seriously wrong has happened in life.

Sole perk to the profession: Living a “rock star” lifestyle without any kind of talent with endless drugs, dirty one-night stands with addicts, drinking on the job, and constantly waking up in a new town.

You should tell people you're a: Mobile entertainment specialist

No.5 - Meter Maid

Each day the guppies of the police force drive around (often in miniature cars) and piss off car owners by ticketing minor offenses like parking too close to a fire hydrant or going 30 seconds over the meter. One of the most hated professions in the world, British meter maids have been issued cotton swabs to take DNA samples when people spit on them for later prosecution.

Sole perk to the profession: Humming “Lovely Rita (Meter Maid)” while power-tripping across a parking lot. Also, sometimes they get to carry guns or at least pepper spray.

You should tell people you're: Anything else but a meter maid. Lie. A lot.

No.4 - Walking billboard

When a business cannot afford a real billboard, they hire a person to hold a sign. If an inanimate object can do a job more effectively and for longer, the person’s intellect really comes into question. These people are usually positioned on busy streets, forcing them to breathe constant car exhaust and dodge projectiles thrown by teenagers. Apocalypse freaks also work in this field pro bono by wearing sandwich boards with “The End is Near.”

Sole perk to the profession: It takes zero brainpower and Bret from The Flight of the Conchords worked this job on their TV series.

You should tell people you're an: Advertising technician

No.3 - Telemarketer

This is the next most hated profession after meter maid. People get a little excited when the phone rings. Anyone could be calling. There are infinite possibilities: a new job offer, the woman you met Saturday night or maybe a long lost friend. Instead, it’s a telemarketer trying to sell knives we don’t want.

Sole perk to the profession: Not having to deal with people face-to-face.

You should tell people you're a: Telecommunication service expert

No.2 - Fast food manager

This profession screams "arrested development." These people have obviously worked the same job since high school and now have a very low position of "power." They get to scream at teenagers who are in their first job and ex-cons who are in their first job out of prison. No matter how well-groomed these managers try to be, after an hour in the store they have a thin layer of grease covering their bodies.

Sole perk to the profession: Free burgers, getting todate barely legal girls and working in a job where it is completely appropriate to grow a pencil-thin mustache.

You should tell people you're in: Franchise management

No.1 - Dish washer
Being at the low end of food service is truly the lowest end. This is the first job many teenagers or illegal immigrants get. People who cannot control their acne or do not understand English are just as effective as an American adult. Anyone fluent in English and over 18 should only take this job if Gisele is the busgirl.

Sole perk to the profession: Free food -- if one considers half-eaten food edible.

You should tell people you're a: Crockery sanitation artisan

If you have one of these horrible jobs, you might want to check out AM's advice on How To Survive A Job You Hate, and if you're looking to avoid any other horrible employment opportunities make sure you stay away from these Top 10: Horrible Jobs.

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